The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen who really fucking hates being an only child.

Go hug your sibling.
Right now. I don't care how old or young, whether you just had a fight with them, whether you hate their guts or they hate yours. If they are in the house, go hug them immediately. Because their mere existence, whether you believe it or not, actually makes your life a little bit easier.

Don't have a sibling to hug? Then maybe you can relate to this.

Little bit of background first...
My mom and my dad don't get along. At all. She's a naggy bitch to him, he's mean to her in return, neither of them like each other and if it wasn't for me they probably would have split up long ago. They fight a lot when they're together. Luckily, my dad goes on business trips to California a lot. He's a lighting contractor who does high efficiency lighting projects for big warehouses, and there are a lot of warehouses in Connecticut who have branches in California so he gets jobs in both places. He'll spend weeks at a time in either place, depending on which jobs are where and take more time. I went with him 5 days ago to Cali go on vacation and see what his apartment is like over there, that kind of thing. We went to Disneyland and Seaworld and Universal Studios and Hollywood.
Without mom, though.
Because frankly neither of us wanted her there. For one he just didn't have the space (it's a 1-bedroom apartment, he slept on the couch) and for two they just fight too much when we're all together and it makes vacations less fun. So he just invited me, so we could do some actual bonding considering I don't get to see him a lot.
Now this isn't abnormal. Because of his work, he's missed vacations where just mom and i go places. We've done that once a year the past couple years. Plus most of the year I'm just with mom and he's gone. But does this change anything? Of course not. I got the guilt trip laid on me by her the entire time. I'd come home buzzing from a great day at one of the parks and get to hear,
"...Well all of that sounds like fun! I guess you won't want to come on vacations with me anymore if they won't be like that!"
"Ha, you probably don't want to come home now, do you?"
"Well THAT sounds expensive, we never get to spend money like that when its just us two..."
"Maybe he's got some plan to stay there and he wants to make this regular, like you just fly back and forth between us. Or maybe it was just a vacation so you could bond." [Me: "Uh duh."]
"Yeah he's the fun parent, that's why you don't like me."

Et cetera. And I mean what am I supposed to say to that? "Sorry for having fun"? Or lie? Tell her I'm having a horrible time and miss her like crazy? Thing is, even when I DO say "of course not! Remember when just you and I had that great trip? That was fun too!" she says, "Yeah, right." So what am I supposed to do?

I love my dad. He understands me a lot more than she does. He treats me like an adult, respects me like I have a valid opinion, and grants me basic freedom like wifi past 9:30 unlike she does. He spoils me but also makes me work when I want something big like a phone or iPod, he's taught me how to do business deals with stuff like that, (I made a power-point to convince him to let me get my bellybutton pierced...it worked, too!) and he's just chill in general. Mom is always asking what I'm thinking, about different philosophies on life, and gets on my case when I'm being monosyllabic. Dad and I can drive for an hour without saying much and it's perfectly fine, we can get along like that. So he's cool. He isn't perfect, but he's cool.
I'm just not supposed to like him more than mom, even if I do.

This is where being an only child sucks. I truly feel like there is a Mom's Daughter and a Dad's Daughter within me. When there are multiple kids in a family, I've noticed with my friends there is a Mom's Child and a Dad's Child. No one is loved any less, there's just one you prefer to hang out with, one you get along with better. But see, I'm both, so I can't be either. There's this constant balancing act where I want to hang out with dad more so I can stop developing these horrible looming "Daddy Issues" and get used to a full-time daughterhood, but I feel guilty doing that and then obligated to keep mom happy too. Both of them back-talk the other to me. And honestly, they're both right most of the time. I just can't stand up to either and say, 'Actually, they aren't that bad sometimes' because I can't take sides. I just have to sit there and be the Tug-o-War rope. It feels like they really are competing for me sometimes, for my favor and love. And I love them both, I do, but I feel guilty because mom wants me to love her best and dad wants me to love him best and i can't let either be second best or that's wrong and i can't let them both be best because that isn't good enough for them and i just have no idea what to do. Whether they mean to do it to me or not, that's how it feels and it's horrible. Maybe if I had a sibling it would be easier. At least I'd have someone that really was on my side and could go through this with me. But I don't, it's just me, and I'm stuck with this.

When I'm in a better mood I'll certainly post more about my trip, especially about my dad. I have an assignment this week to write a sonnet about something I love, I think it'll be about him.

Anyway, good night. It's sooo late I'm going to hate myself for this tomorrow xD. Jetlag is telling me it's only 10:40 though so whatevs. I still don't get to see Ash tomorrow because he's in Disneyworld until Sunday :(. I've been missing him like crazy too. Might hang out with Fred though, we'll see.

♪: "The Middle" by Jimmy Eat World
♫: "The Best Day" by Taylor Swift

The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen who still feels alone in crowded rooms.

I can't seem to shake this.

I just don't know why I'm not good at having friends. I just prefer being a loner, i guess. I mean it's not that I don't have friends, I do. They're very nice. But when I'm with them i just feel isolated so I tend to isolate myself further. I just feel like when I'm with them, I'm acting, pretending, being the friend they want me to be. I can't seem to let myself be real with anyone like I am with Ash or Devon. I just feel like something inside me just retreats and all that's left is this shallow shell of a generic teenager with friends. I don't know how to change that, either. It feels like only half of me is there, I just don't know what to do. It's really only been this way since Rayne and Sal. I'm probably creating this situation in my head, but it feels like I've been replaced and now I'm just kind of on the outskirts, hanging onto something I don't really have the rights to anymore. I feel like when Sal and I were dating, I was in because I was his girlfriend. Now I just am not 100% sure that I still deserve those friends even though I'm not with him anymore. I'm sure they'd say that they're still my friends but I still don't want to be impeding if I don't really have a place anymore. Keith is a sweetheart at least, he does his best to include me when he can, as does Fred. But still.

I'm more used to being a girlfriend than being a friend, I guess. Which is okay, I think? I mean I should just spend more time with my friends. But frankly I don't like to, because I feel strange and have no motivation to, so I'd rather hang with Ash, which puts me further out of the friend loop... vicious circle. Ugh.

This "teenager" business is getting increasingly confusing. Bleh xP.

♪: "They Provide the Paint [for the picture-perfect masterpiece that you will paint on the inside of your eyelids]" by Streetlight Manifesto
♫: "Just" by Streetlight Manifesto

The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen with a long term boyfriend!

Six months today!! Half a freakin' year with this kid. Ash really is something special. :).

I've honestly never really experienced any relationship that was less than 2 months; and my last two relationships haven't been less than 6. And I know that isn't necessarily normal for a girl my age so I'm gonna kinda mention what it's like for me and my opinion on it.

Frankly, from what I've heard of it, short term relationships and dating seem like a waste of time, I don't know why I would ever bother doing any kind of relationship half-assed. However, a lot of people *coughcoughlikeSalcough* argue that in high school you're just supposed to meet lots of people and experience as many experiences as you can. That way, in college, you have the experience for when you want to meet someone to marry. "It's not like you're going to marry anyone you meet in high school." etc.
I disagree strongly with that.
For one, my Advisor at school has 3 kids that have all married their high school sweethearts. I find that adorable. I also was watching "Take Home Chef" once and the woman on the show said that she had met her husband in second grade, had a crush on him since middle school, and never dated anyone else until they were married. So stuff like that DOES happen. Secondly, I don't get this idea of getting "experience" so you can date in college. That seems pointless to me. College/the years after college are only about 1 decade of your life where you're supposedly dating around finding someone to marry. The rest of your life, in theory, is spent being married to that one person. So does it make more sense to be experienced in dating, that takes place for 10 years of your life? Or experienced in making a long term relationship work, which you'll need to know for at least 50, ideally? That's my logic, anyway. I know that as who I am, my tendency is to fall pretty deep for guys anyway. So i'd rather at least have a longer commitment when that happens than something that could only last a couple weeks. Truthfully though I've never really seen any other perspective, so if anyone has anything to say about what it's like to have more short-term relationships, i'd be happy to hear about it in the comments :).

What I think happens is that people who don't have that kind of relationship don't understand how much your boyfriend/girlfriend becomes a part of your life. Because a lot of my friends are single, I don't want to be the "my boyfriend this, my boyfriend that" girl because that's obnoxious. But honestly? It's really hard to NOT do. Ash is so much a part of my life that just about anything I've done in the past 6 months relates to him somehow. I was talking to my singing teacher today (he's really cool :)) about allergies, and i mentioned how Ash gets really bad allergies to tree pollen this time of year. It's just a natural course of conversation for me. i spend so much time with him it's hard for him to not always be on my mind. I don't know if it's just me or if other girls with steady boyfriends do this but it's just how my mind works. Either way, I wouldn't have it any other way. I love Ash, plain and simple :).

Enjoy the crazy hot weather, guys! Looks like nothing but sunshine for a while :).

♪: "Catch Me" by Demi Lovato
♫: "Pretend" by Scott Porter
♪♫: "The Only Exception" by Paramore <3.

The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen who may be part plant.

No, seriously.

Let me just start by saying I've been having the best weekend of the year so far. For real. And you know what? It's been 70 degrees and sunny. :D. I had a picnic with Devon and Ash yesterday before playing hide and seek on the playground, then today Ash and I went on a hike in my woods (although he's allergic to like, outdoors so it wasn't as fun for him xD). It's been lovely though. The beginning of this week, though, I was hopelessly depressed because Ash was sick and it was raining. Connection? Uh yeah!

Yesterday Devon mentioned how one of our friends, codename Marc, had asked Devon why I was so sad those few days. Devon told him it was because of the rain, and he didn't believe him. Sad thing though? It's the absolute truth xD.

I don't know about other people do this (but the point of this blog is to see if other people think that too so here goes) but I literally need a certain amount of photosynthesizing per week or just can't be happy. That's why I hate winter, it's so cloudy so frequently. Usually by February/beginning of March I start my constant whining of "is it summer yet?" "where'd the sun go?" "okay, I've had enough, winter can go away now...' etc. But once it starts warming up and the sun is out, I've got all the energy in the world! Now just wait until July when I complain how hot it is ;). But either way, I just love the sunshine. This kind of 70-range temperature is just perfect in my opinion :). Not *too* hot for a game of tag, but warm enough to enjoy icecream. Mmm :).

Although I am not a fan of sunburn. At all. Owch xP. At least I found my bottle of aloe gel so i can stop killing  my poor aloe plant over it xD.

I hope you're all enjoying the weather too! Have a lovely Easter!
 (\_/)
 (^.^)
(>0<)o

♪: "Hey, Soul Sister" by Train. I love this song so much. Like "Drops of Jupiter" by Train and "Suddenly I See" by KT Tunstall it's one of those songs where I want to be like the girl in the song. Silly but true :).
♫: "Who Needs Shelter" by Jason Mraz.