The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen who has reasons to go on.

I got deferred to Regular Decision for Cornell, btw. It's not really bad; it's quite an accomplishment to be considered by an Ivy League and not denied on the first try. It's just infuriating to wait until April for a final decision xP.

But anyway. I'll go on because of all the reasons on the wall to the left side of my bed.

But what about that wall is so special?


I'm glad you asked, voice that prompts my next paragraph! The wall to the right of my bed is my Wall of Reasons. Reasons to, well, not give up and die. I get really down sometimes and question if I even want to exist anymore. But when I open my eyes in the morning the first thing I see is the stuff on that wall, and  it gives me just enough hope to carry on for one more day. On my wall currently hangs:

-A baby animal calendar. Because death would upset a baby animal and I mean come on how can you upset that face. 
-Three different cards from Devon: One thanking me for the cupcakes I made for his birthday, one with "You're a good friend and person!!!" in really big letters because he knew I was down, and one from his fish as a thank-you for fish-sitting him. Because Devon is the best friend I could ask for, and I know that no matter what happens in my life, I'll always be able to give him a call and he'll always be there for me and make me smile again. 
-A piece of paper from my World Lit II class from Sophomore Year where everyone wrote nice things about me (there was a similar page for each person). Because some of the people I wasn't even close friends with wrote the sweetest things. They complained about running out of room because everyone else wrote too much :). It helps me remember that sometimes even people who don't always say it out loud are still rooting for me and still care.
-A prom picture of me and Sal and our prom invitation. Because it was such a magical night and the memory always brings a smile to my face. I can't think about anything sad when I remember prom.
-A letter that a girl (now graduated) put in my Psyche Box for the musical last year about why she thinks I'm great. Because she followed me on Tumblr and knew how I was feeling about things, so she wrote really personal and thoughtful sentiments that made me cry my stage make-up off. I miss her, the musical won't be the same without her. With her talent and strength and bubbliness she's been my role model for years and what she said meant a lot to me. If she never gave up then I won't, either.
-A cartoon that Ash drew me while he was in the hospital last February, and a letter he wrote me before I left for Australia. Because even when I remember the bad things and I hate him and consequently hate myself for ever staying with him so long, it reminds me that he wasn't always all bad, and I wasn't entirely stupid for liking him at the time so I can't blame myself. Things just changed.
-A picture of me, Devon, Sal, and Fred at the NHS induction. Because it means a lot that these friends that I've had since 8th grade have stuck with me, and that we've all grown and become successful. We're recognized nationally for having good character, service, scholarship, and leadership, and that's nothing to sneeze at. Plus we're all dressed up and we look flyyyyyy.
-My punch-card for the 5 surfing lessons I took in Australia. Because I'm a hot surfer chick, dammit, and that makes me cooler than any bitch that tries to put me down. How many world-champion surfers have YOU met because they were just chilling out on the same beach, hmm? Yeah didn't think so, move along.
-A menu from the Apple Pie Bakery Cafe at the Culinary Institute of America, and two dried leaves that I picked from bushes at Cornell (they even had my favorite shrubs at Cornell, they're like these green bushes with oval leaves that turn a deep pink, my favorite color, in fall.) Because I have the potential to reach these dreams. I've worked so hard, why give up before I can reach the reward I've earned? It would be such a waste to die before getting there.
-The review from the Rampage of One Acts last year, a picture of our One Acts cast at Prom, part of the program from this year's One Acts, and a couple other pictures of the cast from this year's show. Because when I think about the high, the absolute euphoria that directing gives me...that's what I live for. Because if I can do that, think what else I could do. But only if I don't give up.
-A picture that DJ drew for me. It's a drawing of me baking, playing Pokemon, being in Les Mis, speaking French, and just standing and smiling, all in her adorable cartoon style with hilarious captions like, "Davana is a kickass Pokemon trainer. 'Bitches don't know 'bout my Pikachu.'". Because I couldn't bear to hurt friends like her who care so much about me. She's such a great girl and she has enough on her plate as it is; I'd be selfish to do something that would stress her out more when she does so much to make everyone happy. Plus the pictures make me smile :). 
-My SAT score. Because dammit I've worked hard to be smart and no one can take that away from me. There are enough morons in this world, we can't afford to lose any smart people. That number means a potential for future success, it means I have a lot of worth to the world; I'm not worthless or dumb like I can get in the habit of thinking.
-The postcard that Stephen brought back for me from MoMA. Because I was depressed that week and then he gave me that. I had never expected it but it made me so happy to think someone was thinking of me. Random acts of kindness can happen unexpectedly anytime; maybe the day I don't get up is the day I was going to get one, and why would I want to miss that? You can never tell what's coming around the bend, so don't quit before you even see what it is. 
-Two really good colored-pencil drawings by Sal; one of a leaf pinned on a framed board for my birthday, and one of a rose for my performance in Midsummer's. Because Sal exists. And he loves me enough to spend lots of time drawing me things. And also because he exists and that's enough reason right there. When I bring up the bad times in the past he gets really upset because he came "far too close" to losing me. If I hadn't kept going, we wouldn't have ended back up together. And I wouldn't trade that for anything.




And that's why I'm still here. So thanks, anyone that was involved in any of that. Thanks a whole bunch :).

*: "Keep Holding On" by Avril Lavigne

The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen who wrote and directed a winning One Act play.

That's right. I did it. We did it. 

Running up onto the stage to claim our victory was one of the most amazing feelings in the world. Trying to hold back tears of happiness and pride and tell everyone how grateful we were…that’s something I’ll never forget. 

I love that cast so much. We worked so hard. Just about everything that could have gone wrong did go wrong, but we pulled through. I did everything I possibly could and it paid off. If we decided we needed a severed limb as a prop I’d be the first to take a saw to my arm, this show meant that much to me xD. After four years we just needed this; if we had lost I don’t know if I could have lived with myself, knowing that I let them down every year. But it doesn’t matter, because we did it. It’s really a feat, too, the other grades were all awesome but we still pulled it off :D. 

We have so much fun together, too. Like my favorite memories aren’t just of the show, but of blaring Glee music in DeMeo’s room and everyone (even Jack and Calvin!!) dancing like crazy people and having a good time, laughing and just enjoying each other’s company. They’re genuinely such great people :). 

Being a director is one of the most rewarding feelings there is. Just the amazing process of sitting on my bed typing up a script on my laptop, then distributing it to the cast, guiding them as they learn and rehearse, and finally seeing what I had imagined on paper suddenly be real right before my eyes…it’s incomparable. Although, it wasn’t even what I imagined on paper; they took each part as I wrote it for them and made it even more their own, made it better than I could have ever dreamed of.

It’s not easy, though, to keep a confident and level head even when inside you’re terrified. Watching the sophomores last night, I’ll admit I got really scared. The audience laughed every minute of it and I didn’t know if my cast was going to be able to top that kind of reaction. I was freaking out for like 5 minutes to Jack and a couple others, but when we came back into the room for a meeting we talked about all the strengths we have, and how it’s good that the audience will be prepared to laugh and enjoy our show even more. We got so excited that we broke into a stampede singing “OLE OLE OLE OLE! OLE, OLE!” and running through all the basement hallways during intermission xD. We took our cast pictures and then dispersed and I found myself talking to Jack. He made a comment that he was glad that I didn’t let the cast see how nervous I was and I simply replied, “Well of course.” Director’s can’t show fear. Directors take fear from the actors and turn it into motivation, that’s our job. I’m sure Chico and maybe others that know me well enough might have picked up on something but for the most part, I’d call a screaming running skipping stampede of excitement a display of some pretty good morale xD. 

(And for the record, although I think I was justified in being concerned because it’s my job to prepare for and preempt the worst-case scenerios, the cast shouldn’t take that a lack of confidence in their abilities. I know they were awesome, I just didn’t quite know how awesome they would have to be to win. Obviously they did :D.)

I don’t know if the cast ever really truly understands what it takes to direct a show. I sure as hell didn’t until I tried it freshman year, and not even then until really sophomore year in our first year that we actually performed. It’s all the little details that need to be taken care of, all the tasks and stresses that no one else ever really has to concern themselves with that are necessary to put on a good show. And the stress of such a responsibility…it’s certainly not for the light-hearted. But oh when it works how it pays off. :)

Tips I’ve Learned (that might the younger grade directors with their shows next year if they don’t do these already):
-If people can’t or aren’t going to be committed for at least 85% of the rehearsals, give them a small role or tell them to reconsider auditioning. Learned that one the hard way :P.
-Just stop talking then talk softly when you want to make a point about something, yelling just makes everyone else yell louder; talking softly means they need to listen.
-Don’t take just criticism notes, take positive compliments too. I just personally love the look on an actor’s face when you give them a positive note. They really value it :).
-One of the coolest things I love doing with our cast is before each performance, I have them think of a song that embodies their character to keep stuck in their head during the show. They seem to really like it and the song choices are always really spot-on. It helps keep you thinking in character and focused. Like mine last night was Party in the USA, [character names!] Amin’s was Sexy and I Know It, JenJen’s was Ours, Raphael’s was I Want It All, Steven’s was Hard Knock Life etc, etc.
-Don’t take competition too seriously: love everyone! Feuds are a waste of time. I love the post-show hugging between all the grades, everyone congratulating one another, it’s so awesome. No one likes the, “_____ SHOULD HAVE WON!!” guys :P. 

God I am so proud of them. The more I think about it the more I just want to keep giving big cast group hugs. 

So yeah. That’s pretty much my reflection on One Acts and directing this year. I'm going to miss it so much, it's easily been my favorite activity that I've been a part of in High School.

*: "My Life Would Suck Without You" by Kelly Clarkson
**: "Hey Soul Sister" by Train