The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen who has reasons to go on.

I got deferred to Regular Decision for Cornell, btw. It's not really bad; it's quite an accomplishment to be considered by an Ivy League and not denied on the first try. It's just infuriating to wait until April for a final decision xP.

But anyway. I'll go on because of all the reasons on the wall to the left side of my bed.

But what about that wall is so special?


I'm glad you asked, voice that prompts my next paragraph! The wall to the right of my bed is my Wall of Reasons. Reasons to, well, not give up and die. I get really down sometimes and question if I even want to exist anymore. But when I open my eyes in the morning the first thing I see is the stuff on that wall, and  it gives me just enough hope to carry on for one more day. On my wall currently hangs:

-A baby animal calendar. Because death would upset a baby animal and I mean come on how can you upset that face. 
-Three different cards from Devon: One thanking me for the cupcakes I made for his birthday, one with "You're a good friend and person!!!" in really big letters because he knew I was down, and one from his fish as a thank-you for fish-sitting him. Because Devon is the best friend I could ask for, and I know that no matter what happens in my life, I'll always be able to give him a call and he'll always be there for me and make me smile again. 
-A piece of paper from my World Lit II class from Sophomore Year where everyone wrote nice things about me (there was a similar page for each person). Because some of the people I wasn't even close friends with wrote the sweetest things. They complained about running out of room because everyone else wrote too much :). It helps me remember that sometimes even people who don't always say it out loud are still rooting for me and still care.
-A prom picture of me and Sal and our prom invitation. Because it was such a magical night and the memory always brings a smile to my face. I can't think about anything sad when I remember prom.
-A letter that a girl (now graduated) put in my Psyche Box for the musical last year about why she thinks I'm great. Because she followed me on Tumblr and knew how I was feeling about things, so she wrote really personal and thoughtful sentiments that made me cry my stage make-up off. I miss her, the musical won't be the same without her. With her talent and strength and bubbliness she's been my role model for years and what she said meant a lot to me. If she never gave up then I won't, either.
-A cartoon that Ash drew me while he was in the hospital last February, and a letter he wrote me before I left for Australia. Because even when I remember the bad things and I hate him and consequently hate myself for ever staying with him so long, it reminds me that he wasn't always all bad, and I wasn't entirely stupid for liking him at the time so I can't blame myself. Things just changed.
-A picture of me, Devon, Sal, and Fred at the NHS induction. Because it means a lot that these friends that I've had since 8th grade have stuck with me, and that we've all grown and become successful. We're recognized nationally for having good character, service, scholarship, and leadership, and that's nothing to sneeze at. Plus we're all dressed up and we look flyyyyyy.
-My punch-card for the 5 surfing lessons I took in Australia. Because I'm a hot surfer chick, dammit, and that makes me cooler than any bitch that tries to put me down. How many world-champion surfers have YOU met because they were just chilling out on the same beach, hmm? Yeah didn't think so, move along.
-A menu from the Apple Pie Bakery Cafe at the Culinary Institute of America, and two dried leaves that I picked from bushes at Cornell (they even had my favorite shrubs at Cornell, they're like these green bushes with oval leaves that turn a deep pink, my favorite color, in fall.) Because I have the potential to reach these dreams. I've worked so hard, why give up before I can reach the reward I've earned? It would be such a waste to die before getting there.
-The review from the Rampage of One Acts last year, a picture of our One Acts cast at Prom, part of the program from this year's One Acts, and a couple other pictures of the cast from this year's show. Because when I think about the high, the absolute euphoria that directing gives me...that's what I live for. Because if I can do that, think what else I could do. But only if I don't give up.
-A picture that DJ drew for me. It's a drawing of me baking, playing Pokemon, being in Les Mis, speaking French, and just standing and smiling, all in her adorable cartoon style with hilarious captions like, "Davana is a kickass Pokemon trainer. 'Bitches don't know 'bout my Pikachu.'". Because I couldn't bear to hurt friends like her who care so much about me. She's such a great girl and she has enough on her plate as it is; I'd be selfish to do something that would stress her out more when she does so much to make everyone happy. Plus the pictures make me smile :). 
-My SAT score. Because dammit I've worked hard to be smart and no one can take that away from me. There are enough morons in this world, we can't afford to lose any smart people. That number means a potential for future success, it means I have a lot of worth to the world; I'm not worthless or dumb like I can get in the habit of thinking.
-The postcard that Stephen brought back for me from MoMA. Because I was depressed that week and then he gave me that. I had never expected it but it made me so happy to think someone was thinking of me. Random acts of kindness can happen unexpectedly anytime; maybe the day I don't get up is the day I was going to get one, and why would I want to miss that? You can never tell what's coming around the bend, so don't quit before you even see what it is. 
-Two really good colored-pencil drawings by Sal; one of a leaf pinned on a framed board for my birthday, and one of a rose for my performance in Midsummer's. Because Sal exists. And he loves me enough to spend lots of time drawing me things. And also because he exists and that's enough reason right there. When I bring up the bad times in the past he gets really upset because he came "far too close" to losing me. If I hadn't kept going, we wouldn't have ended back up together. And I wouldn't trade that for anything.




And that's why I'm still here. So thanks, anyone that was involved in any of that. Thanks a whole bunch :).

*: "Keep Holding On" by Avril Lavigne