The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen who cut her hair and got red highlights.

Because I FELT like it :).

Since the whole thing with Sal I think I've changed and matured a lot mentally, so I wanted to change my appearance too--I wanted to be a whole new me for the new school year. The old me missed Sal like crazy and was pathetic about it. The new me...well, I still kinda miss Sal like crazy but I'm a lot more positive about it now ;). That can be attributed to both Dana and Devon (mentioned him before, the ex-turned-bff) just listening to my endless ranting and also my own mercurial personality. When I'm in that kind of a funk I just need something to click and I can change my mind about it. Until that click though, nothing really helps. Wait, what was I talking about before? Right. Change.
We all go through changes of personality and feelings and opinions. That's our job as teenagers, do that until you fall upon something that sticks. I believe due to that we also have every right to change our looks too. Granted, some things are just bad ideas (like if I were to get every inch of my face pierced and wear goth clothes) but when it comes to stuff like hair, I say go for it! Experiment! Try something you wouldn't have dreamed of before!
Sal thinks it's silly. He thinks it's kind of a rebellious thing (which it is, in a way, against my old self) and doesn't believe in doing things out of the sake of rebellion. He thinks it's important to be oneself and not try and change yourself.

Well I didn't change myself. He changed myself. I'm just going along with it ;).

I believe if you want to play around with your looks, you're entitled to. Hell, even if you don't want to, you should. Go for something you haven't tried before. I always thought long hair was prettier on girls than short hair, so i kept mine shoulder length or longer despite it was horribly split ends and frizzy and looked dreadful. I also never liked bangs. But last December, I just wanted a change. I went for a short, layered look with bangs (so when I flipped the ends out, it looked a little like Alice Cullen but a tad longer) and it looked great! I have no intention of growing my hair out any time soon, short hair suits me a lot better than long. But see, I wouldn't have discovered that if I didn't take the leap.

So take the leap, try something new, let your appearance be a reflection of you :).
That was corny. Whatever, I'm just saying that changes can be fun xD.

♪: "Tell Me Why" by Taylor Swift::"And I know that you see what you're doing to me; tell me why."
♫: "Just Yet" by an anonymous, unsigned singer.
♪♫: "When We Die" by Bowling for Soup

Lotsa songs, prolly shoulda done a SFTS xD

The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen who finds solace in the places she'd least expect.

Remember how I was going to use that as a title about Jack but ended up bundling him in with another post? Well I have another person I can use it for now who deserves a post all to herself :).

Her [code]name is Dana. She's the ex of another of my friends, Keith. Their relationship ended similarly to mine and Sal's, where everything was perfect until the stupid #&@$ broke it off randomly. We aren't exactly best friends, and I wasn't sure what would happen if I did this (she never seemed particularly the warm-and-fuzzy type to me), but I thought I'd Facebook-Inbox her to see if she had any advice for surviving that kind of breakup.

And boy did she ever :D.

You know the saying 'you can't tell a book by its cover'? Well first of all it's wrong, you can read the inside flap of the cover to figure out if you like the book. Metaphorically though, it applies here ;). Dana at first look is a softball-playing tough chick. That's why it surprised me when she started opening up about another of her breakups (pre-Keith, which was much worse) and how she dealt with that. It was eye opening, I didn't think I'd find those kind of feelings in someone as seemingly tough as her. She went through a lot of the same endless crying I did and understands that feeling when non-single friends just don't get stuff. I confirmed that it would continue to suck for a while, but got some good advice about not being afraid to be alone. She offered her cell phone number if I ever needed someone to talk to.

And I think that's just spiffy.

It's so nice to know that even when girls don't know each other that well, they can still bond and be supportive about how stupid guys are ;). It's a comfort to know that there's someone there who understands me a little better than some of my other friends because of our similar experiences. Maybe it's a little schadenfreude to say this too, but I do feel a little better knowing, as I said on the very first post after Sal and I broke up, that it definitely could be worse. But if i now know someone who has been through worse, and can offer me some advice from hindsight, then maybe I've made something good come out of her experience--she just comforted another heartbroken girl. (And recruited someone else if she ever wants to launch an assassination on the non-Keith ex. Seriously, that guy should not be permitted to live on the same Earth as me.)

Us double-X chromosomes gotta stick together ;).

♪: "Keep Holding On" by Avril Lavigne

Songs for the Sitch

I am so f%^@ing confused right now in my brain that I don't trust myself to talk about my feelings. I'll let lyrics do that for me. Songs are embedded at the bottom if you're interested in listening.

"You're Not Sorry" by Taylor Swift

All this time I was wasting
Hoping you would come around
I've been giving out chances every time
And all you do is let me down

And it's taking me this long
Baby but I figured you out
And you're thinking we'll be fine again
But not this time around

You don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore

And you can say that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did before
You're not sorry, no, no, no, no

Looking so innocent
I might believe you if I didn't know
Could've loved you all my life
If you hadn't left me waiting in the cold

And you got your share of secrets
And I'm tired of being last to know
And now you're asking me to listen
Cause it's worked each time before

But you don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore

And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did before
You're not sorry, no, no, oh
You're not sorry, no, no, oh

You had me falling for you honey
And it never would've gone away, no
You used to shine so bright
But I watched all of it fade

So you don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
There's nothing left to beg for

And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did before

"Broken Heart" by Motion City Soundtrack

I’ll start this broken heart
I’ll fix it up so it will work again
Better than before
Then I’ll star in a mystery
A tragic tale of all that’s yet to come
Fingers crossed there will be love

But I get carried away with every day
And every fantasy
The deeper the wound,
The harder I swoon and wish that that was me
There's so much to say
But no words to convey
The loneliness building with each passing day
But I’m getting used to it
You have to get used to it

I’ll devise the best disguise
A brand new look and take them by surprise
They’ll never guess what’s not inside
I’ll express myself with ease,
With confidence and character complete
With fingers crossed, they’ll talk to me

But I get carried away with every page
In every magazine
The cheaper the thrill,
the deeper I fill my head with blasphemy
There's so much to say
But no words to convey
The loneliness building with each passing day
But I’m getting used to it
You have to get used to it

I’ll destroy this useless heart
I’ll fuck it up so it’ll never beat again
Not just for me but for anyone

But I get carried away
With every phrase and made up malady
The longer I hide behind these lies,
The more I disintegrate
There's so much to say
But no words to convey
The loneliness building with each passing day
You never get used to it
You just have to live with it

"White Horse" by Taylor Swift

Maybe I was naïve,
Got lost in your eyes
I never really had a chance.
My mistake I didnt know to be in love
you had to fight to have the upper hand.
I had so many dreams about you and me
Happy endings;
Now I know

I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood,
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down.
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.

And there you are on your knees
Begging for forgiveness,
Begging for me
Just like I always wanted,
But I'm so sorry

Cause Im not your princess
This aint a fairytale
Im gonna find someone, Some day
Who might actually treat me well.
This is a big world,
That was a small town
There in my rearview mirror,
Disappearing now.
And it's too late for you and your White Horse,
Now its too late for you and your White Horse
To catch me now.

"Before the Storm" by Miley Cyrus and Nick Jonas

Miley:
I'm standing out in the rain
I need to know if it's over
Cause I will leave you alone
Nick:
Flooded with all this pain
Knowing that I'll never hold her
Both:
Like I did before the storm (yeah)
Before the storm

Nick:
With every strike of lightning
Miley:
Comes a memory that lasts
Both:
And not a word is left unspoken
As the thunder starts to crash
Miley:
Maybe I should give up.

"Pushin' Me Away" by the Jonas Brothers

Stop.
Tell me the truth,
Cuz I am so confused.
I'm spinning round, these walls are falling down and I need you.
More than you know,
I'm not letting go.
Take my hand and please just tell me why
You're pushing me away, every last word every single thing you say.
Pushing me away, try and stop me now but it's already too late.
Pushing me away, if you really don't care then say it to my face.
Pushing me away,
Push, push, you're pushing me away.

"My Happy Ending" by Avril Lavigne

It's nice to know that you were there,
Thanks for acting like you cared,
And making me feel like I was the only one.
It's nice to know we had it all,
Thanks for watching as I fall,
And letting me know we were done.
He was everything, everything that I wanted.
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it.
All of the memories so close to me just fade away.
All this time you were pretending,
So much for my happy ending.

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The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen who likes playgrounds.

Because playgrounds are FUN.
I don't care how old I am, there's still nothing quite like the feeling of climbing to the top of the jungle gym and looking out at the world beneath.

I think lots of teens are like that too. Or at least the ones that I know. See, across from my high school, instead of there being an arcade or cool cafe or something, there is a playground. And it's a pretty flipping awesome one. It used to be all wooden with lots of cool hiding places and tire swings and metal slides that burnt your butt if you wore shorts, but a year or 2 ago they tore it down (*sniff*) and built a new plastic one. Which part of me is sad about (no one likes losing childhood memory sites) and the other part of me things is AWESOME. Not because of the actual playscape per se, it's not actually that great, but there's this giant rope webbish thing which is perfect for hanging out on and climbing and feeling like a ninja :).

Playgrounds are not only a great way to meet new kids to babysit, but I think everyone has a soft spot for climbing on stuff. And why not?

Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional ;).

[[Note: Comments are welcome, people! :)]]

<--I'm the one in lilac. You know, outside of the main group ;). P.S. Sal got back today. Whoop-de-freakin-doo. I'm not totally sure why i'm becoming so mad now, I guess I just thought a lot without his pretty eyes to distract me this week. And without pretty eyes to distract me I realized how pissed I am. Ah well. I'll survive. My poor pillow-slash-punching-bag might not xD.

♪: "That's Just The Way We Roll" by Jonas Brothers



♫: "I Can Do Better" by Avril Lavigne

The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen who ACTUALLY ENJOYS TWILIGHT.

[Apologies for no post in a while! I've been hanging out with my friends a lot :)]

Yeah, I like Twilight. I like the books and I liked the movie. Sue me.

I've been wanting to do this rant for a while because it's something I really find annoying. I'm getting really sick of Twi-haters. Any time I feel like making my facebook status Twilight related, I'm bombarded with hate comments telling me how stupid it is and how poorly written it is, etc.
IT'S GETTING OLD.
See, teens like to fit in. But, almost as much as they like to fit in, teens like to feel smug about sticking out. We take a sense of pride in being able to say, "i don't like what all the sheep like because that makes me original". It's part of the reason I don't wear Hollister brand (other than the fact it's ridiculously expensive and not even that pretty). That's all well and good. If you feel proud and smug about that, GREAT!
Don't bother me about it.
Keep it to yourself, really. If you want to make yourself feel important, go ahead and hate Twilight. But it's downright rude and disrespectful to rub it in other people's faces. Because by telling someone, "You like Twilight, but I don't, because I'm not a sheep" you're effectively saying that the other person is a sheep. And that's just not nice. This doesn't just go for Twilight haters but for any other obnoxious people out there. Cut it out.

Let us Twi-Hards live in peace :).

P.S. If you're wondering about Sal, I am too. He's in Arizona and hasn't called me since Thursday. WHATEVER. Today would have been 11 months. WHAT-FREAKING-EVER.

♪: "My Happy Ending" by Avril Lavigne

The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen whose life is average.

Well, maybe not always, but still. I am developing a love of that website.

I mentioned the "I Love You" text fad previously. Now however that the website itself is discouraging the texting, MLIAers are finding different ways of spreading the love. I read stories about girls who made signs and stood on street corners, people who shouted it in crowded malls, etc.

That's amazing. People recognize the phrase too from the website, according to the stories. It's cool that you can find someone anywhere who has something in common with you. In fact, I find that well above average. I think that's freaking awesome. But, of course, I won't mention that, because we're all very happy knowing we're average together ;). It's great that a band of random internet geeks can make the world a little more full of love. If i ever actually get a following on this blog, I'll start a catchphrase like that, so these readers can feel a sort of bond too.

Keep spreadin' the love and livin' average lives, guys :D.

♪: "Kids In America" by Kim Wilde (more specifically, kids in america with average lives ;))

The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen who payed it forward.

I love making people happy.
It's something I've loved doing since I was a little kid. I mean, why wouldn't I? I love when random strangers say/do things to make me happy.

At a grade campout/week-long fieldtrip in 6th grade, I slept in a dorm thing with a bunch of my girl classmates. Every morning, I'd be waken up by a teacher, then I'd walk around to all of the other rooms, knock, and when someone answered, I'd say good morning to everyone in the room very cheerily, then on to the next room, etc. I wasn't even friends with most of the girls, but there was always at least one girl in the room who appreciated it, and that made it worthwhile.

So today, I was at the mall. I was walking around and sneezed. A random guy walking near me said, "Bless you." I thanked him and felt appreciated. Then I went to the bathroom, and while I was drying my hands, the girl at the next hand-dryer had very pretty teal sandals. I told her I liked them, and she smiled and seemed like she felt appreciated. Then, when I got back to the hotel, my Swedish Fish (one of my all-time fave candies) got stuck in the vending machine. A hotel worker was walking by, so I told him and he shook the machine for me (risking injury...2,500 people die a year from vending machine accidents. no, seriously.) and got my fishies. Then as i left the lobby, a man held the door for me. It felt so very nice to be treated kindly by random strangers. I knew though, that I would be staying in my room the rest of the evening, so I couldn't pay it forward anymore.
So, I made a sign. It's on lined paper, and all it says is, "Hi! I hope you're having a wonderful day! :)" and stuck it on the window in my bedroom that leads to a sort of walkway, so as people walk by they'll read it.
Then, I went to mylifeisaverage.com (love that site, btw) and heard all about this new "text 'i love you' to a random number" craze. I think it's really cute, so I texted a random number saying that i hoped they have an awesome day (I love you is a bit creepy, and i'm very serious about only saying that when I mean it). I hope it makes someone smile. Maybe it's someone who is recently single like me, and they could use any support they get. Maybe it's someone who just got the job of their dreams even in this economy, maybe it's someone who just got home from Iraq. Maybe it's someone sitting at their computer bored.

Whoever it is, I may have just made them smile.

The littlest things can brighten someone's day. It doesn't take a lot to be a good person.

The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen who probably won't watch Idol next season.

For one, the show is getting old anyway.
For two, now there's no crackhead to make fun of :(.

This is just a quick little blurb about my stance on the Paula Abdul not being on Idol thing. I think it's too bad, she's been there since the beginning and she's always funny and fun to make fun of, plus I love her outfits. I don't know why they didn't just get rid of Kara, I can not stand her at ALL, she can talk for hours about nothing because she just loves the sound of her own voice. Regardless, it's too bad. I don't think the show will be the same.

And if anyone agrees with me, maybe we can boycott the show and do something productive on Tuesday nights instead, like read :D. I think this preoccupation with what celebrities are doing every second of the day is silly anyway.

Also, another quick blurb, YAY FOR BILL CLINTON GETTING THE JOURNALISTS OUT OF NORTH KOREA!! I have no idea who gave him the right to go over there and do that when he isn't President anymore and it's none of his buisness, but either way, i'm happy for the girls :).

And a quick note on the Sal thing (unless you're getting sick of this), I'm pulling a G. Wash. Takin out a policy of isolation until I can rebuild my own infrastructure :).

The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen who is a friend.

One of my other friends, Joe, just went through a break up too. Lovely time of year, huh?

And i've been talking to him. Over Facebook, because he moved to Japan last summer. I knew him mostly through Sal and Fred, and he's a very nice kid. He hated me for virtually no reason for the first few months he met me, but we've come to an understanding and are now very nice to each other.
That's why when i heard about him and his girlfriend, I inboxed him to tell him I was here for him. I told him about Sal and I (he hadn't heard, and he seemed as upset about it as i was) and he told me what happened with his girlfriend. She said she "wasn't ready for a boyfriend" and seemed like she wanted Joe to wait. I replied to Joe this:
"it's cruel of kylie to ask you to do that. focus on your own happiness in the meantime, joe. if something happens and she's ready for you later, and you are too, maybe it'll work out. if not, then just be happy on your own account."

....then I realized that's the exact same advice Fred has been giving me for the past few days. In a way, Joe and I are kinda in the same boat, where both of our signifo's (me-speak for significant others) still want to be friends, but don't want to be in a relationship right now. And what I told him is exactly what I need to be doing. It's hard, definitely, because I feel a tad hypocritical because I can't stop thinking about Sal and it's destroying me, but i realize that maybe I should be practicing what I preach. If i can show Joe that I can be happy, then maybe he'll know that there's hope too. It's all I can do right now to try and enjoy my vacation, i just can't freaking stop thinking, about him, about what could have been, about why, about how unfair it is to me...I'm going into a kind of angry phase now, where I feel angry at him that he made me so upset I can't enjoy my vacation, that he's fine at home while i'm miserable, that he expects me to just forget it all and be friends. But I can't really be angry at him because most of that is my state of mind, too. So maybe I'll follow my own advice and focus on my own happiness, say screw him, and maybe it'll work. It's a logical solution, that's why I advised it to Joe.

Maybe the best way to get advice is to give it to other people.
Maybe the best way to help yourself is to help a friend.

♪: "Broken Heart" by Motion City Soundtrack (a very honest break up song, not exactly cheery but relatable)
♫: "Lost In Your Own Life" by Alexa Vega. I'm here for ya, Joe.

[[apologies for not embedding the music in posts right now, I don't have the time to search and embed right now. i'll get back to it once i get back home]]

The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen who hasn't lost all hope.

He loves me.
He freaking still loves me.
In accordance with my qualifications, anyway, and it doesn't sound like it's complete sisterly love just yet. I asked him and he loves me.
My god, i can't believe how relieved I am. I mean, i know he probably doesn't intend to get back together until he's had his own "experiences" and whatnot, but holy crud, he still loves me. I still have someone who cares that deeply about me.
Nothing's really changed, I just feel a little better now. Maybe it's cuz my heart still would like to think there's a chance. I won't push it. He can do whatever he needs to do, as long as I know i still have that strong, special kind of bond with him, cuz it means he won't be able to get me out of his life any time soon.
I'm going to bed smiling now. I'll try to wake up that way.

The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen who adores P-Town

Provincetown, Massachusetts, is freaking fabulous.
I can say that because it is both full of gay people and because it's just such a cool place.

I feel like I should mention my stance on homosexuality because it's kinda a hot topic nowadays (thanks, Miss Cali). I myself am obviously straight (Sal is not short for Sally. I like dudes.) but I support love in all forms. I mean, a small part of me that has been indoctrinated by my snooty small town kind of has a 'people-that-arent-like-me' radar. Then the much larger thespian part of me says, 'who cares?? they're fun!'. As a theater dork, I love gay guys. They're so much fun to be in productions with, because they're such good listeners and so funny and just fun to hang out with. I haven't had any actual experience with lesbians, but I'm sure they're nice too. I just think love in itself is such a wonderful thing that I could never shun someone for being a part of it, no matter who the love is with. Personally, I don't even know how someone could consider hating people for being in love just because they don't follow that person's template. A state of mind, i suppose, but completely incomprehensible to me. Maybe they're jealous that gay people can be happier than themselves. I, on the other hand, appreciate happy people.
And P-Town is FULL of happy people :D.
As soon as you hit the main drag (pun intended? ;)) there are red convertibles blasting Rihanna all over the place. Homemade icecream parlors are plentiful and there's tons of cool places to get jewelry and gifts. It's a great place to hang out on a windy and cloudy but warm afternoon when it's not nice enough to hang out on the beach. Most people are really friendly, which my mom loved, she could strike up a conversation with anyone and instead of AHC like our hometown, people were just as warm in return. It's refreshing. I wanted to get a ring while I was there. We ended up going into a nice little jewelry store (I wish i could remember the name to advertise for them. All i remember is it's close to The Purple Feather [which is way overpriced for gelato, fyi] and it's kinda set back from the road and there's a counter on the left side when you enter where you pay and they lady was really friendly). I found a beautiful little sterling silver ring with a leaf design on it that I fell in love with and bought.
I like the idea of leaves. They can die but are always replaced. They embody growth; in spring they can go from buds to big leaves overnight. Never moving backwards. Besides, I love when the leaves change in fall. So I got the ring. It's going to be one of the pieces of jewelry I don't take off. I had one of those last year; I bought it after breaking up with my first love, Devon (we're still friends :)) and it was a beautiful ring with butterflies and leaves on it that my mom bought me in a little boutique because she felt sorry for me. I lost it about 5 months later and was devastated...I loved that ring, it still makes me sad that I could never find it. I was sure i left it on my makeup desk, but could never find it no matter how hard I looked. Since then, my only other ring I've been wearing was one i got as a party favor at a grad party for a senior i knew from the drama department in the beginning of this summer. It's a little plastic one that says "Friends". I like to keep it on to remind me that I can always depend on my friends, if nothing else. It looks out of place now next to this elegant silver ring, but I like it. They make up the 2 sides of me; the elegant refined one and the fun relaxed friendly one. A girl's jewelry always has meaning. If you have a friend with a necklace or ring or bracelet they always wear, as her someday where she got it. She'll have a story, and you might learn a little something about her that you didn't know before or wouldn't have expected. Just try it.

Anyway, bottom line, i had a great day today. Although Sal crossed my mind a little more frequently than I would have liked, I pushed anything that might bring me down straight out of my mind. I think being able to email him this morning helped. Hopefully I'll get to talk to him later too.

Stay fabulous :).

♪: "So What" by P!nk (it was playing in one of the stores we walked by really loudly and got stuck in my head ;))

Songs for the Sitch ♪

Sitch being short for "sitchieation", sitchieation being me-speak for "situation". Sometimes there are too many, or I just want the specific lyric that I like, to put in the regular blog post, so I shall make a new post like this. [[note: see previous post for the sitchieations these songs apply to]]

Current songs for the sitch:

And I'm holding on, I'm holding out
And I figure that I
Figure that I just might make it
And I'm waking empty but seldom sleeping
And the words repeat breathing histories
Into stories untold but I unfold
-"Unfold" by Jason Mraz

I'm outside of you, and I'm so confused...
~
You're overlooking the beauty that's dying inside me; can't you see?
-"Outside of You" by Hillary Duff

You know you have to go through hell before you get to heaven
-"Jet Airliner" by Steve Miller Band

Everything was everything, but everything is over;
Everything could be everything, if only we were older.
I guess it's just a silly song about you,
And how I lost you and your brown eyes.
-"Brown Eyes" by Lady Gaga

If it's a broken part, replace it.
If it's a broken arm, then brace it.
If it's a broken heart, then face it.
And hold your own,
Know your name,
And go your own way.
Hold your own,
Know your name,
And go your own way,
And everything will be fine.
-"Details In The Fabric" by Jason Mraz

It takes some fears to make you trust,
It takes some tears to make it rust,
It takes the rust to have it polished, yeah.
Ha, la, la lalala life is wonderful,
Ha, la la lalala life goes full circle...
-"Life Is Wonderful" by Jason Mraz

Guess I should leave this behind
Guess I should erase and rewind
But somehow I can't seem to stay away
I don't want to sound desperate but I am
So say that you'll come around
Guess I should erase and rewind.
-"Erase and Rewind" by Ashley Tisdale

What if I need you baby?
Would you even try to save me?
Or would you find some lame excuse
To never be true
What if I said I loved you?
Would you be the one to run to?
Or would you watch me walk away
Without a fight?
-"What If" by Ashley Tisdale

You are strong but you're needy,
Humble but you're greedy
And based on your body language,
And shoddy cursive I've been reading;
Your style is quite selective,
though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests
that this is just what happiness is.
Hey, what a beautiful mess this is.
-"A Beautiful Mess" by Jason Mraz

The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen who can't decide if she loves Jason Mraz or the beach more

This is gonna be a long post, just to warn you, I have a lot to say :D.

To begin, I feel like I should give you an update on how I'm coping with the single-ness thing.
I'm not, really. It sucks. I keep feeling like I'm about to break down and cry, mornings are horrible, I keep imagining futile fantasies where he tells me he was stupid and takes me back, and I'm constantly skipping songs on my iTouch because they remind me too much of him. I have absolutely no appetite in the mornings, and not usually for lunch. By dinner my tummy usually wins out my heart. It's a miserable, miserable, horribly pathetic way to be and I hate myself for it but I just can't seem to shake myself out of this funk. Also I do apologize for loading this blog up with New Moon-esque depressing insights instead of witty musings, but I just really need to get this stuff off my chest and there isn't really anyone else to talk to. Fred is in Iowa without wifi, telling Sal would only make him feel bad or guilty (and no matter how much he's hurt me, I still can never hurt him). I just wish we could have just a long time to be alone and talk about everything, just getting it all out until there are no more misunderstandings and guessings and we're both on the same page understanding each other. I'll admit, talking to him and emailing him really cheers me up, it's like old times, where we'll just make each other laugh and enjoy the conversation. There are more silences now though, and I can't break them with "I love you!" like before. I mean, I could, but that would be odd. I do still love him. I don't know if he still loves me. I wish with all my heart that he does, god I don't know what I'd do if I knew he didn't...but I don't know if he does and I don't have the guts to ask him in case I get an answer I don't like. It's the kind of thing where I'd love to know if he did, but I'd hate to know if he didn't. And even if he did, what am I supposed to make of that? It would make me happy, certainly, but would it lead me on if he doesn't intend to get back together any time soon? And I don't think he does, so I'm trying to give him space, but I still enjoy talking to him, and I don't want to seem clingy or whiney...Gah. Are all break-ups this hard?? The only other experiences I've had either don't count (1x) or I've been the one deciding to/causing the break up (2x). I don't know. All I know is this sucks and I want so much to be happy but I don't know how I can. Every time something makes me smile, I remember a time when Sal did the same thing to make me smile. It's just bad. alsdjvaeliufaweiuasd fml.

Okay! Now happier things!

This mini-section, had it been the entire post, would have been titled "...Teen who finds solace in the strangest places". Just saying.
See, I've had this sorta-friend since 7th grade. A guy, of course, girl friendships in my life generally don't last that long. His name is Jack (well, his code-name is) and he's an interesting kid. He's not exactly good-looking yet (but he has the bone structure and nice blue eyes to be potentially very attractive once he gets more confidence) but he's got such a cool personality that I can't help enjoying his company (I repeat, enjoying his company. I'm not gonna even be considering romance for a longgg time). He also takes Latin, and was in my Bio class this year as well as One Acts (a theater thing at my school, entirely student-run) and he's both very smart and a very funny actor. I started emailing him when I finished the last Star Wars movie (inside joke) because I wanted to tell him I was an official nerd now that I had seen all the series. Since then, we've been emailing back and forth about One Acts next year and just other random stuff. I mentioned that Sal and I were just friends and "that's why I'm not using my normal volume of exclamation points and emoticons". So when he replied back, he said he was sorry for me and then at the end added a p.s. with a bunch of exclamation points and emoticons to make up for it. It's the stupidest, most trivial thing, but it just made me smile because it was so unexpected but just showed that someone out there gave a hoot. It's nice. I mean, it's one thing to comment on the changed FB relationship status saying sorry, but something extra like that is just nice. I urge everyone reading this to do soemthing like that. The next time you have the chance to do something stupidly trivial but sensitive and kind for someone like that, please do. It's just such a nice little break in the clouds.

Next, i feel the need to tell you in very large, bolded, colored letters that
I LOVE JASON MRAZ BECAUSE HE IS EASILY ONE OF THE COOLEST PEOPLE IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE AND PROBABLY OTHER UNIVERSES BECAUSE HE IS JUST INCREDIBLY AMAZING.
See, I went to his concert yesterday, and it was flipping spectacular. The opening acts (Ka'naan and G. Love and Special Sauce) were alright, but Jason was surreal. He got the entire crowd involved singing along and dancing. He'd have sections sing, like "Just the ladies! Just the guys! Just the short people!!" and other funny things. The music was phenomenal, he did songs that aren't on his albums, like "Three Little Birds" and "All Night Long". Then, at one point, he got off the stage and left, and some people left thinking it was over--not likely! He went to the very back of the floor seating, right in front of our section at the back of the arena, and sang a couple songs there!! It was great!! We went from being in the back, to being 14 rows away from the Jason Mraz! I just thought that was so cool of him, to try and connect with all of the audience, not just those who were lucky enough to get front row seats. He sang some of my favorites like Details in the Fabric (probably my all-time favorite song) but not ones like Curbside Prophet and Wordplay, which was surprising. However, I appreciate that he did his new songs. I remember being pissed that Avril sang Complicated at her concert with the Jonas Brothers last year, because I wanted to hear her new album. So i think that was cool too. I didn't end up getting home until after midnight so i'm absolutely shot today, but it was worth it. I felt really truely happy the entire time despite Sal. The feeling of chanting "hold your own, know your name, go your own way" as well as "every little thing is gonna be all right" with 5,000 other people and your musical idol is brainwashing. You can't not feel good. I was impressed with his range too. Some of the songs he'd say, "Just the ladies!" and sing really low, then "just the guys!" and have an amazing strong falsetto. As a singer I really admire that. So I definitely reccomend catching one of the shows on the Gratitude Cafe tours if you can, it's a really great time.

I'm on vacation right now in Cape Cod. It's a timeshare we go to every year (although we've been screwed by it before, timeshare is really not as great as it sounds when you start out) and there's a nice beach. When we arrived here after 5 very long, grueling hours in traffic for a trip that's usually 3-4 hours, we went straight to the beach and I went for a swim.
I love swimming in the ocean. The water was so warm and inviting. The only thing I don't like is the crabs. Mom got nipped by one on her toe and it bled, musta been a really big crab. I escaped them this time, luckily, but I still have kind of an irrational phobia of them. Moths, too, but that's a different story. Mom swam with me for a little while but after that she went back and I just floated along calmly. The water wasn't very deep and currents weren't too strong, so I just laid on my back and let the waves bounce me up and down. It was really relaxing, to have something else controlling me than my emotions. The waves decided when I was up and down, and there was nothing I could do about it. There was no point fighting it, so I didn't, and I just relaxed and watched my toes pop up and down from the water. It put me in a nicer mood. Then we came back to the unit and had some delicious homemade and freshly grilled hamburgers-yum! I hope I'll be able to let go of Sal long enough to have some fun this vacation.

I shall hold my own, know my name, and go my own way. Because that's what Jason Mraz would want if he read this blog :)

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<- Jason and a whale with a guitar :D <-no zoom. shows the perspective of our seats, where he went to halfway through the show, and where the stage is. <-Singing "Lucky" with one of the managers of the Gratitude Cafe in San Fransisco