To begin, I feel like I should give you an update on how I'm coping with the single-ness thing.
I'm not, really. It sucks. I keep feeling like I'm about to break down and cry, mornings are horrible, I keep imagining futile fantasies where he tells me he was stupid and takes me back, and I'm constantly skipping songs on my iTouch because they remind me too much of him. I have absolutely no appetite in the mornings, and not usually for lunch. By dinner my tummy usually wins out my heart. It's a miserable, miserable, horribly pathetic way to be and I hate myself for it but I just can't seem to shake myself out of this funk. Also I do apologize for loading this blog up with New Moon-esque depressing insights instead of witty musings, but I just really need to get this stuff off my chest and there isn't really anyone else to talk to. Fred is in Iowa without wifi, telling Sal would only make him feel bad or guilty (and no matter how much he's hurt me, I still can never hurt him). I just wish we could have just a long time to be alone and talk about everything, just getting it all out until there are no more misunderstandings and guessings and we're both on the same page understanding each other. I'll admit, talking to him and emailing him really cheers me up, it's like old times, where we'll just make each other laugh and enjoy the conversation. There are more silences now though, and I can't break them with "I love you!" like before. I mean, I could, but that would be odd. I do still love him. I don't know if he still loves me. I wish with all my heart that he does, god I don't know what I'd do if I knew he didn't...but I don't know if he does and I don't have the guts to ask him in case I get an answer I don't like. It's the kind of thing where I'd love to know if he did, but I'd hate to know if he didn't. And even if he did, what am I supposed to make of that? It would make me happy, certainly, but would it lead me on if he doesn't intend to get back together any time soon? And I don't think he does, so I'm trying to give him space, but I still enjoy talking to him, and I don't want to seem clingy or whiney...Gah. Are all break-ups this hard?? The only other experiences I've had either don't count (1x) or I've been the one deciding to/causing the break up (2x). I don't know. All I know is this sucks and I want so much to be happy but I don't know how I can. Every time something makes me smile, I remember a time when Sal did the same thing to make me smile. It's just bad. alsdjvaeliufaweiuasd fml.
Okay! Now happier things!
This mini-section, had it been the entire post, would have been titled "...Teen who finds solace in the strangest places". Just saying.
See, I've had this sorta-friend since 7th grade. A guy, of course, girl friendships in my life generally don't last that long. His name is Jack (well, his code-name is) and he's an interesting kid. He's not exactly good-looking yet (but he has the bone structure and nice blue eyes to be potentially very attractive once he gets more confidence) but he's got such a cool personality that I can't help enjoying his company (I repeat, enjoying his company. I'm not gonna even be considering romance for a longgg time). He also takes Latin, and was in my Bio class this year as well as One Acts (a theater thing at my school, entirely student-run) and he's both very smart and a very funny actor. I started emailing him when I finished the last Star Wars movie (inside joke) because I wanted to tell him I was an official nerd now that I had seen all the series. Since then, we've been emailing back and forth about One Acts next year and just other random stuff. I mentioned that Sal and I were just friends and "that's why I'm not using my normal volume of exclamation points and emoticons". So when he replied back, he said he was sorry for me and then at the end added a p.s. with a bunch of exclamation points and emoticons to make up for it. It's the stupidest, most trivial thing, but it just made me smile because it was so unexpected but just showed that someone out there gave a hoot. It's nice. I mean, it's one thing to comment on the changed FB relationship status saying sorry, but something extra like that is just nice. I urge everyone reading this to do soemthing like that. The next time you have the chance to do something stupidly trivial but sensitive and kind for someone like that, please do. It's just such a nice little break in the clouds.
Next, i feel the need to tell you in very large, bolded, colored letters that
I LOVE JASON MRAZ BECAUSE HE IS EASILY ONE OF THE COOLEST PEOPLE IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE AND PROBABLY OTHER UNIVERSES BECAUSE HE IS JUST INCREDIBLY AMAZING.
See, I went to his concert yesterday, and it was flipping spectacular. The opening acts (Ka'naan and G. Love and Special Sauce) were alright, but Jason was surreal. He got the entire crowd involved singing along and dancing. He'd have sections sing, like "Just the ladies! Just the guys! Just the short people!!" and other funny things. The music was phenomenal, he did songs that aren't on his albums, like "Three Little Birds" and "All Night Long". Then, at one point, he got off the stage and left, and some people left thinking it was over--not likely! He went to the very back of the floor seating, right in front of our section at the back of the arena, and sang a couple songs there!! It was great!! We went from being in the back, to being 14 rows away from the Jason Mraz! I just thought that was so cool of him, to try and connect with all of the audience, not just those who were lucky enough to get front row seats. He sang some of my favorites like Details in the Fabric (probably my all-time favorite song) but not ones like Curbside Prophet and Wordplay, which was surprising. However, I appreciate that he did his new songs. I remember being pissed that Avril sang Complicated at her concert with the Jonas Brothers last year, because I wanted to hear her new album. So i think that was cool too. I didn't end up getting home until after midnight so i'm absolutely shot today, but it was worth it. I felt really truely happy the entire time despite Sal. The feeling of chanting "hold your own, know your name, go your own way" as well as "every little thing is gonna be all right" with 5,000 other people and your musical idol is brainwashing. You can't not feel good. I was impressed with his range too. Some of the songs he'd say, "Just the ladies!" and sing really low, then "just the guys!" and have an amazing strong falsetto. As a singer I really admire that. So I definitely reccomend catching one of the shows on the Gratitude Cafe tours if you can, it's a really great time.
I'm on vacation right now in Cape Cod. It's a timeshare we go to every year (although we've been screwed by it before, timeshare is really not as great as it sounds when you start out) and there's a nice beach. When we arrived here after 5 very long, grueling hours in traffic for a trip that's usually 3-4 hours, we went straight to the beach and I went for a swim.
I love swimming in the ocean. The water was so warm and inviting. The only thing I don't like is the crabs. Mom got nipped by one on her toe and it bled, musta been a really big crab. I escaped them this time, luckily, but I still have kind of an irrational phobia of them. Moths, too, but that's a different story. Mom swam with me for a little while but after that she went back and I just floated along calmly. The water wasn't very deep and currents weren't too strong, so I just laid on my back and let the waves bounce me up and down. It was really relaxing, to have something else controlling me than my emotions. The waves decided when I was up and down, and there was nothing I could do about it. There was no point fighting it, so I didn't, and I just relaxed and watched my toes pop up and down from the water. It put me in a nicer mood. Then we came back to the unit and had some delicious homemade and freshly grilled hamburgers-yum! I hope I'll be able to let go of Sal long enough to have some fun this vacation.
I shall hold my own, know my name, and go my own way. Because that's what Jason Mraz would want if he read this blog :)
♪: see next newest post
<- Jason and a whale with a guitar :D 
<-no zoom. shows the perspective of our seats, where he went to halfway through the show, and where the stage is. 
<-Singing "Lucky" with one of the managers of the Gratitude Cafe in San Fransisco
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