The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen whose blog gets her into all sorts of trouble.

I have no idea what to post about anymore because as soon as I get a tad bit personal or opinionated people get their knickers in a knot. I sincerely wish I had kept my identity a secret, I've mentioned this before. Whaaatever. So yeah. I'm gonna try to come off extremely bland for a while and see how that works.

♪: "Real World" by Matchbox 20

The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen WHO GOT A TUMBLRRR OH EM GEEEE!!1!!!

This is lyk SOO cool! Iv never had a tumblelog before so idk really how to do this...lol! so im just gonna post different stuff about my lifeee. ive been through a lot more than youd think. im like, just another ordinary girl...except im super deep. only taylor swift understands how i feel so im gonna post her lyrics. and pictures of galaxys, or couples holding hands, with her lyrics as a caption. and my own amazing photography. its art cuz i tilted the lens, or zoomed in really close on my eye, or its a silhouette, and then i edited it on picnik. im also gonna post about how i got my heart broken because guys are all assholes :''(. but im still gonna flirt with them anyway cuz theyre hawttt ;). im really unique, just like everyone else lol! and did i mention im totally deep? <333

...Oh gimme a break :P.

People just bother me sometimes. Their blogs are as similar and predictable as they are. I'm probably not much better myself but I do try to avoid the girly blogger stereotype to SOME degree :P. I should probably get another actual decent topic sometime soon though. I'll get on it :).

P.S. I need a song for the Talent Show. Something with a decent piano accompaniment so I'm not just playing chords. So far considering No Floods, Vanilla Twilight, Not Like The Movies, and Love The Way You Lie (if I can get a partner to do the rap for me). Opinions? Suggestions? Greatly appreciated :).

♪: "You Belong With Me" by Taylor Swift

The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen who's going on a quest.

I want to become the best girlfriend ever.

Not because Ash mentioned I need improvement or something, nothing like that at all. He's actually saying I'm already great, I don't need to do anything more, yadda yadda yadda. So that's why I'm polling you guys for some help instead.

I mean I already know I'm not bad. I'm affectionate and loving, I can cook/bake, and I can play Halo. What else do guys want, right? xD. Plus I'm working on my paranoia and jealousy with the help of my shrink :).
But I want to be even better. I want Ash to have the best possible girlfriend, just for him. I want to be the very best. (yes, like no one ever was ;)).

SO I'm asking you guys for tips. If I have any guy readers, I'd certainly appreciate pointers on what they think makes the perfect girlfriend. And for the girl readers, if you know of anything that you've heard from guys, I'd certainly love to hear that too. I just want to get as many people's opinions as I can to get a census on what makes a girlfriend perfect.

Thanks in advance :). Hope you all had a lovely weekend. I most certainly did for the most part, although that walk in the cold on Thursday made my cold relapse and now I might also have an ear infection which is making me dizzy and feel like there's water stuck in my ear xP. BUT I went out for Indian food with Ash and my family last night, it was really good. We just had a lovely relaxing evening together, I absolutely love nights like that where I can't help falling in love with him even more :). Then today even though I feel half dead, I washed my hands super well and spent 3 hours decorating giant gingerbreads. They look awesome :D. Sooo yeah. Hopefully gonna feel up to going to school tomorrow. Anyway I gotta go finish a book for Lit tomorrow! Must! Stop! Blogginggggggg!

♪: "With Me" by Sum 41

The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen WHO'S GOING TO GET IN TO COLLEGE.

No matter WHAT Jack likes to say to be an ass. And I'd like to apologize in advance if I come off as an ass in this post, I don't mean to sound stuck up or anything.

Anyway I'm inspired to write another post because it appears overnight since that last post I got 32 views on here...you guys don't mess around xD. Also it's snowing wooo! The cold might actually be worth it!! Ash and I are planning on spending a nice day together tomorrow decorating my room with garland and such so it'll be a nice Christmas-y atmosphere with a dusting of snow :). ANYHOOZLE.

I deleted my Formspring a week ago at Ash's suggestion. He didn't really like that I was getting creeped/hit on by random sleezebags, and he was getting bored of the questions being en mass all the time. BUT nevertheless, haters gonna hate, and sure enough someone (anonymous, of course) found their way to the ask box on my Tumblr (yes, I got one, but only for a personal blog kind of thing, I'm not moving this site) to ask me this:

"Legit, you're only in modern world?"
To which I replied that I was flattered, but yes, I decided against taking AP European history after the insane amounts of stress brought on by AP US history last year. They then asked again,

"for someone who's so "smart", you're pretty dumb for being in that low of a class"
To which I said...well, very rude things in reply. 


Because the thing is, I get this ALL the time. From Jack (you guys remember him, right?), or Sal, or anyone else that hears I'm only in Level 1 history, and only taking Latin 4. It's always a surprise; "Wait, you aren't in Euro?" NO, NO I AM NOT. Because I freaking value my sanity, thankyouverymuch. So then Jack's retort is always, "Yeah, well, we'll see who's laughing when you don't get into college."
I HAVE A 4.2 GPA AND I'M GOING TO GET INTO A FUCKING GREAT COLLEGE DAMMIT, AND I DON'T NEED TO KILL MYSELF WITH STRESS FOR THE NEXT 2 YEARS TO DO IT.
...is what I feel like shouting at him every time he or any one of my other AP-snob friends says that. 
Sure, some people thrive in history classes. Like my friend Calvin had like over 100 in it for a while because that's just his forte. Or Fred is doing great in his AP science classes. Good for them...but it's not my thing. Literature is my love, so I'm taking AP Lit and doing great, I love that class. But history...it'd be just as bad as APUSH was last year, always feeling inadequate and stupid amongst kids that this just came so naturally to. Even though I was capable, (I got a 5 on the exam last year) I didn't want to put myself through that again, it was a personal choice that I'm proud of. 


So then why do I still feel stupid?


Because of all these incredible expectations, I guess. Since I was a little kid, I got good grades. So everyone congratulated me. So I wanted to get more good grades. So then people congratulated me more. So then I had to get even better grades or they wouldn't be impressed. And pretty soon I'm one of those people who's crying over a B- in an advanced math class. We talk about this in Lit sometimes, we have really interesting discussions which are great because everyone's in the same boat about being a high achiever. It's so much more of a curse than a blessing, trust. There's this constant expectation from our parents, teachers, and even our peers that we're just smart people. So we should be taking all AP's, and going to Yale, and becoming doctors, and saving the world. Anything less would be wasting our potential. Some kids would kill for a brain like mine, why would i waste it on something like level one? And I hate that, I hate that expectation. I hate that my friends follow that expectation and I feel like the idiot of the group because I'm not. Why would I burn myself out now getting into a crazy elite college just to put myself through even MORE stress? I would honestly end up suicidal from the pressure, I could tell you that right now. I don't want to save the world...I want to be happy when I grow up. I want to live up to my own expectations and be happy for myself, not for everyone else. So Jack and Sal will go to MIT. Great. I'll become a quad-lingual language teacher (and no, Sal, I don't really need to take AP Latin or Euro to get into a college for that). And while they're stuck in a lab pining over blueprints for some aircraft engine with an upcoming deadline to a harsh boss in a diploma-lined office, I'll be helping kids understand a magical code that will help them communicate with people they wouldn't be able to otherwise, and watching their faces light up when they understand that. 


Because dammit, I wanna learn to be happy with my life.


And CollegeBoard doesn't seem to have a course for that. 


♪: "Fat Lip" by Sum 41. 

The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen who feels terrible for deserting you all!!

It's...it's been hectic, we'll leave it at that. But Ash and I are back from our "break" (if you could call it that) and things are going well :).

Actually, instead of a decent post today, I'm just gonna catch you guys up a little on a few different topics I wanted to mention.

Friends:
I'm not good with them, I've mentioned this xD. But I've made some improvements. the week before One Acts our cast got really close, finishing off with an after-party sleepover at Chico's house/mansion which I had a lot of fun at :). (more on that later) So that was nice.
Fred also was IMing me the other day about this new girl he likes :). It was so cuuute. We used to talk about stuff like that all the time but we just haven't even seen each other in like, weeks. So it was really nice to talk to him again, it reminded me how much I really miss that group of friends. I, and I do believe Ash does as well, want to get more into that group again, I miss them. Fred's a sweetheart so it's a shame his stupid decision to take 4 AP classes this year is keeping him locked in his room :P.
There are other standards of friends though...today, Ash and I had plans to go to Chuck E. Cheese's with John and another one of his friends. It was a half day, we were gonna be stupid and do kiddy things, it woulda been fun. BUT then Ash got sick, and stayed home all day. AND the same with John. But I was texting them (after school, my phone got taken during school, more on that later) and it seemed that I would wait in the lobby and then his friend would finish his errands, pick up John, me, then Ash, and we'd go out for lunch at least if not Chuck's cuz Ash had to be home by 2:30 (he wasn't supposed to leave the house but his mom wasn't home :P). So I waited. And waited. And waited. For an hour and 15 minutes. Until finally Ash and I figured screw it, I'd at least go to Ash's so we could wait together for them, and if they didn't come, at least we could  hang out for a little while and have SOMETHING to do before 2:30. So, I put on my fluffy hood and walked for 25 minutes in the 20 degree weather to Ash's house xP. More on that later. But yeah, they never ended up picking us up for lunch so we just sat at his house. Delightful. It just pisses me off that it seems like no one ever actually sticks to their plans. It's like yeah, we'll make plans, and if they happen, great, if they don't and you get screwed over, meh. I hate people like that. So GRR to them! GRR!

Ash:
When I finally got to his house, I was greeted with a big long hug and a mug of perfect-temperature hot cocoa with lots of whipped cream :D. It was just perfect. I didn't even care how long the walk was, I warmed right up and it was so lovely. Then we just kinda chilled out and talked about how frustrating his friends were for the 15 minutes until my mom got there to pick me up. It was just nice, relaxing :). Things for the most part have been going well with us. He still has a shit-load of make-up tests, quizzes, and labs to do, as well as driving school, so we can't really talk in the afternoons much, but it's alright. If I was in a bad mood I'd be pointing out a faults too (I realized I tend to do that which isn't really fair) but I'm really not so no need to go there.

One Acts:
If you didn't see it you're lame. Because even if we didn't win, the Juniors were wonderful and I am so very proud of them :). Our costumes were amazing too. Then the post-show sleepover at Chico's was great, almost everyone went (although Ash got picked up at 1am since again, his mom is annoying). I had a lot of fun with the cast. Except for that part when Peach, obnoxiously flirty as usual, was sitting on my boyfriend's lap feeding him chips and I had to leave the room twice to go upstairs and scream into my pillow. But whatever, you guys have read enough to know by now how I react to that sort of stuff, he apologizes, then it all always ends up being forgiven and we move on. So moving on!

Bureaucracy:
I hate study hall monitors and hall monitors. Because frankly "monitor" may as well be replaced as "power-tripper". Like, okay. I understand that it's important to go to your classes on time, and pay attention, so that you can learn and understand the teacher and do well on tests and get into college. They're there to enforce rules that help me do that. That makes perfect sense, I have no problem adhering to that. What pisses me off is when the study hall monitor stands outside of your class, and marks you tardy if you walk in more than a few seconds late. Some of my TEACHERS don't even do that, what on EARTH gives THEM the right to be so picky?! What am I gonna miss by walking in a minute late, a really important key set of notes on how to spread gossip? OH TEH NOEZZZ. Get over yourself. No one's ever going to respect you the way they respect an actual teacher, no matter how much power you think you have. Accept it. Furthermore, I totally agree that you shouldn't be able to use cellphones during tests without it being considered cheating, or during class when you could miss important notes. That's a given, there's logic behind that. But when i'm walking down a HALLWAY, texting my boyfriend who's home sick; "Hey, I love you, feel better!! <3", who the hell am I disrupting?? I'm not blocking the hallway, I'm not bothering anyone, I'm not cheating on a test, I'm doing it in the hallway so my phone CAN'T be construed as any of those things. But nevertheless, halfway through that text some stout, cranky looking woman shouts, "HEY!" then comes after me and demands my phone. I look at her like she's an inside-out beluga whale and explain that I'm walking in the hallway, not class, and sending a quick text. She says that it doesn't matter, any time outside of lunch she has to confiscate a phone when she sees it. Just to make a point. I tell her that doesn't even make SENSE because there is no lunch on a half-day. She tells me it's the rules and I have to give her my phone. I try to explain that the rule is senseless and unjust in this situation. She takes it anyway. At that point I just want to scream at someone. LAST TIME I CHECKED, I, being the AP US student she never was, Connecticut ratified the 4th Amendment in the 30's, which guards me from unreasonable search and seizure. I determine this is unreasonable seizure. If I signed my rights away in one of those goddamn RUP's I want it shredded because next time someone tries to take my property without a warrant or my consent* I'm going to shriek "THIEF" down the hallway until they leave me alone. Or rather, next time I'll just save my texting for during that important lecture so it doesn't get taken in the hallways.
OR BETTER YET. I'll go up to the hall monitor tomorrow in all black, on the verge of tears, and say, "...he...he didn't make it. And I didn't even find out until hours after...I couldn't even say goodbye..." then just walk away. I could mean my goldfish for all she knows but I hope it makes her feel like the rule-obsessed robot she is.
*Just saying, I would consent if it was during class. I know rules are rules for my sake, I'm not just like, 'FUCK THE POWAHH' for the sake of it. Reasonable rules I'll abide by and consent to no problem...anyone that knows me knows I'm that type. But when rules are unjustified, unreasonable, and unfair, and they just need to enforce rules to make a point that there's a rule, I simply will not comply. I'm too logical for that. Even though Sal was laughing at me at dismissal for being so adamant xP. 




The Cold:
Lia's a snowboarder so she's gonna read this and then hate me (sowwies!) but I REALLY REALLY do not enjoy winter because of the cold. Snow is very pretty and fun, yes, and Christmas is lovely. But I HATE that I'm shivering in my own room right now. Cuz my mom gets all, "NYEAHHH WASTING ELECTRICITY NYEAHHH MY EYES DRY OUT WHEN ITS HOT NYEAHHH WEAR A SWEATER NYEAHHHHH" when we turn the heat up past 62 or 63. Today at Kohl's though, I got this pair of gloves that have something in the tips that are compatible with touch-screens and track pads, so I can wear gloves all the time and still be able to use my laptop and phone :D. Definitely recommended if you're in a similar situation, or just hate taking off your gloves to text on a touchscreen.

That's basically what's been going on and my thoughts on it. I'll try to keep up more frequent posts, but I can't make promises, sorry. Anyway, have a nice night :).

♪: "Friends Like You" by Bowling for Soup
♪♪: "Baby, It's Cold Outside" the Glee version cuz it's adorable :)
♪♪♪: "Starman Theme" from Super Mario Brothers (tm)
♪♪♪♪: "...And Justice for All" by Metallica

The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen who calls for a group hug.

I FLIPPING LOVE MY FRIENDS <3.

I thought I barely had them. I thought I barely needed them. I thought they were catty, or could care less, or untrustworthy, or just things I didn't need to be bothered with.

Admittedly I was wrong.

Since the thing with Ash, I've been getting hugs every time I turn around. Aimey has been respectful about asking questions but still shows her concern and is a good and trustworthy listener, same with Zee. I spent last night with Rei, Ginny, Devon, and others last night at the football game. My friend since elementary school that I drifted from for a while, Thalia, who conveniently lives about 2 minutes away, suggested a girls-day Disney movie marathon that we're doing this afternoon, and I'm going to another friend's party tonight with people like Cissa, that crowd. And I got a comforting inbox from an old friend today that really meant a lot to me.

And it's just like...whoa. People other than a boyfriend can and do care about me. It's such a wonderful feeling. I forgot how important it was to have friends like this. Even if/when Ash and I become official again I want to be sure to not forget these guys and make sure I stay in contact more. And I did say if/when, things are going pretty well so far with us on that track :). So thank you for the luck you wished after the last post ;).

So if any of you guys that have been there for me without even being asked these past couple days are reading this...just thanks. *Group huggg!!!*

♪: "You've Got A Friend In Me" from...okay, if you don't know what this is from...no, everyone knows where this is from, nevermind xD.
♫: "Keep Holding On" by Avril Lavigne

The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen whose business is not yours.

Yeah, Ash and I are taking a break because things are complicated.

But why? Was it Regina? Or Cady or the other girls? Did he cheat? Did you cheat? Did you have a big fight? Are you getting back together? Are you never speaking again? Whose fault was it?


Um, I have a question for you. Does it matter to you? Will the answers to those questions greatly affect your life personally? No?

Then mind your own goddamn business and let us mind ours.

Our generation is so accustomed to Facebook and Twitter informing us about every moment someone takes a breath, drinks a soda, hangs out with someone new. We know every detail about our peers with a few clicks of a button. And we're all okay with this?

I'm not.

I don't need your interrogations. I don't need your comments. I don't need your advice. For once I'm actually doing fine without venting to everyone in a 5 mile radius, desperate for pity.

Special thanks to Zee for agreeing with me on this :).

Just...just wish me luck, guys, that's all you gotta do. Don't be blaming anyone, don't be hating anyone, just wish us luck.

♪: "Story of Us" by Taylor Swift
♫: ....I don't even know.

The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen WHO'S REALLY EXCITED!

ASH IS COMING BACK TO SCHOOL FOR REALSIES TOMORROW!!!
YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
:D


♪: "I'm So Excited" by The Pointer Sisters.

The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen with a license to push underclassmen the hell outta my way.

So I got my learner's permit last week, it was pretty sweet. Not as sweet as my other friends that already have their licenses and are laughing at this, but still :P. But anyway to do so, we all had to read the whole DMV manual and learn all about rules of the road and whatnot. And I couldn't help but notice that driving on the road has an analogy very near and dear to every teen's heart...

Hallways. 

We travel in them, we merge in them, we can't avoid them. So for the same reason there is a manual for driving on roads, there ought to be a set of guidelines for courteous travel and safety! These guidelines in my opinion are as follows, but please feel free to add your own in the comments :). 

Speed Limits:

-Because there are no posted speed limits, use your best judgement and follow the flow of traffic. Just because you have plenty of time to walk from one end of a hallway to another, does not mean the person behind you is in the same situation. Hallways are not the place to get your swag on, homey, just speed up, look alert, and be aware of the crazy band-to-math kids running up from behind you. Students in a rush reserve the right to push mosey-ers out of the way. 

Stopping:

Would you ever just brake in the middle of the road because you saw a pretty flower on the curb? No. Likewise, you should not just suddenly stop in the middle of a hall because your friend is at their locker. If you need to stop, you are to pull over to the side of the hallway as easily as you can without cutting anyone off too much. When stopping to go to your locker, do not pause in the middle of the hallway and wait for the opposing crowd to stop. Push through as best you can, or even do a U-Turn so it's easier to get to your locker. But for goodness' sake don't just stand there! Now that you have been suitably warned, any moving student has every right to push a non-moving student if they are blocking the hallway. Says me. 

Right of Way:

At an intersection, it is every teen for themselves. Those intending to remain straight are better off keeping to the right. But those crossing to turn into a different hallway have a harder time and must push through for themselves. However the following cases should be generally observed as right of way:

-They're bigger. Chances are they wouldn't stop to let you cut in front of them anyway.

-They're seniors. Just don't. 

-They're a couple. If you've had a boyfriend/girlfriend that you hold hands with in the hallway, you know it's just rude and inconvenient when someone tries to barrel through between you. This ain't no game of Red Rover, folks. 

-They're a teacher or administrator. Duh. Hall Monitors don't count though, hallways are their job.

Aside from those exceptions, it is best to just push through as much as you can. You've all played Frogger as kids, I'm sure...it's like that. But once again, DO NOT STOP! This only makes it harder!

Random Maneuvers/Exceptions: 

-U-Turns: Acceptable if they can be pulled off without stopping or crashing into someone. Much harder to maneuver as a couple but possible. 

-Locked Classroom Door: Often the lazier teachers won't return back from lunch right on time. This often creates a large mass of students huddling by the door. This is not their fault, so avoid them as best you can. Students in this situation would be wise to stick to the wall as best they can. 

-Lockers on Both Sides: Exercise caution.

Passing Safely:

Sometimes you're in a rush and the moron in front of you might as well be oozing down the hallway. Attempt to pass on the right or left. If there is a line of oozers (generally Freshmen), you have the right to push them aside a little bit and use the center of the hallway to get around. 

Noises: 

-It is not necessary for you to shout, 'HEY, BITCH, WAIT FOR ME!' from one end of the hallway to the other. 

-Keep hallway conversations relatively safe. Discussing top-secret gossip is not wise when you're packed with kids listening to you from either side. 

Electronics:

-Cell Phones: Need to shoot a quick text? No problemo, as long as your peripheral vision is functioning properly. If you're so engrossed in the conversation that you bump into people/lockers/doors/Mr Pic, it's time to stop. 

-iPods: I generally avoid using them in hallways so that a) I can hear people if they're calling me and b) they do announcements sometimes about people that have to go to guidance. So use discretion. 

Parking:

There's a reason double parking is illegal: IT SUCKS. So why would you stand in a clump that's 4 people wide out from your locker?! This is usually in the morning or dismissal and it's a pain in the ass. You really don't need all 6 of your friends to be in a huddle by your locker at 7:27am in a hallway with lockers on both sides. Find a nice alcove or less crowded hall to hang out in, like the cooking hallway or the science hallway, or the cafeteria. Also, if you are standing at someone's locker and the person who has the locker next to them tries to get past you, they have right of way and you should offer a short apology. 

So there you have it, basic rules of etiquette for hallway navigation. Again, if you have your own, please add them in the comments!

♪: "Push" by Matchbox 20

♫: "Looking Up" by Paramore

The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen who's depressed, stressed out, and sick...but it's okay! Everyone's doing it!

Firstly though;
SORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRY!!!! My week has been CRAZY. Monday I was just exhausted, Tuesday I got my Learner's Permit (I'll do a post on the DMV eventually), Wednesday I had One-Acts, Thursday I spent freaking out finishing a bunch of AP Lit assignments...gah. So much stress. BUT now it is the weekend and although I have a shit-load of homework still, I'm taking a break for at least this afternoon. Another little update; Ash is doing fine, he's hoping to start half-days at least back at school on Monday! I'm so excited, I've really missed him at school.

Which brings me to today's topic: Anxiety and stress. There's a lot of it going around.

I had a doctor's appointment on Tuesday to get a flu shot and while I was there, my mom mentioned how my appetite varies from normal to non-existent for weeks, and I vomit when I'm upset, which is frequent. She left the room and they asked me some questions and whatever and it appears I have anxiety, and they would strongly encourage me to start seeing a counselor. But don't worry; this is very common in someone your age.

It is? And you don't see anything wrong with this picture?!

Most of you reading this are probably procrastinating an essay or project. You probably have a low grade in a class because the teacher isn't very good or fair. You probably are involved in some sort of activity, sport, or job that takes up a lot of your time. You probably don't get more than 6/7 hours of sleep at night. Your parents are probably on your case about grades, or cleaning your room, or applying to colleges, or anything else they can think of. You probably have a boy or girl on your mind all the time, especially if things aren't going so well.You probably got into a fight or disagreement with someone this week that upset you.You probably can't remember the last time you "didn't have a care in the world".

But don't worry! That's very common.
...What?!

Parents, teachers, future, take the freaking hint! We're going insane!!!

None of us want this! We want to be able to sit at home with our friends and tell jokes and play Apples to Apples and watch Disney movies if we want and eat cookies without counting the calories and drink as much soda as we can and run around playing tag and climbing trees and sleeping in the sun. We're just kids...

But we do want to be perfect. You've taught us that to be perfect, we need the perfect job when we grow up, and a perfect family, and a perfect plan. But to do that, we need to get into the perfect college. So we need to get perfect grades, have a perfect attendance record, have a perfect mix of extra-curricular activities. But we also need to be accepted by our peers. So we need a perfect car, the perfect boyfriend, the perfect clothes and shoes, the perfect newest phone. A perfect reputation.
We want that.
I want that.
And I'll do anything for that, however sick it makes me. Because eventually I'll get what I want, and that will make me happy.

I could sit here and bitch about all the things that stress me out in my life. But then people would get upset at me for what I'm saying. And I don't want that; I want everyone to be happy. I want Ash to be happy, I want my parents to be happy, I want all of you to be happy! Because people like people who make them happy. So I won't go into all that. I'll just keep dealing however I can until it gets better or it kills me.

The first thing I'm working on is becoming more secure in myself. I need to not feel threatened or jealous and I need to just be sure of my own importance and value. Because sometimes I feel like I'm just one of many, or  even less than the many, and so I need to remind myself that I am special to myself. So I will do that.

And then I will think of clever blog posts to write again ;).

Have a good weekend, guys <3.

♪: "Innocent" by Taylor Swift (have you gotten this album yet? go get this album. it's amazing.)
♫: "Story of Us" by Taylor Swift (seriously. get the album.)

The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen who loves loving others in love.

Happiness is contagious.

Okay well not all the time. But sometimes it's enough to get you through the day when you see someone else happy and can be happy for them :). Now before I start let's get some codenames sorted out.

We're talking about that-girl-from-my-math-class-last-year that I've mentioned a couple times before. But she deserves a better name than that, and she's not in my math class anymore xD. So she'll be Lia. And her boyfriend that I mentioned when it was his birthday back in August is in my physics and Latin classes this year, we'll call him Paul because for whatever reason his face has always reminded me of Paul McCartney xD. Kinda like how my International Business class today decided a kid in our class looked exactly like Sid from Ice Age. BUT ANYWAY BACK TO MY POST.

So Lia and Paul have been going out for months now and personally I adore them as a couple. Lia is a sweetheart as I've mentioned and Paul is just hilarious, our Latin teacher always picks on him because he calls himself a pseudo-intellectual :P. And although I don't know either of them too closely personally, I know they're both really cool people, and they seem really, really happy together.

Like just today I saw them both at her locker, and later walking together in the hallway. I WAS NOT CREEPING. They were on the way to my classes xD. But I saw them and just at a glance Lia looked so happy and Paul looked so happy to see her happy and it just made me happy too :).

And I was in like, a really shitty mood, too, I had a bad day and I miss Ash at school like crazy. So you'd assume I'd be more resentful and jealous that they're happy, but strangely it's the exact opposite. Lately I've been reading LGMH and even that can't cheer me up, because my reaction these days is honestly "yeah right", because they're still just some silly love story that I can't even believe in anymore. But seeing some friends being genuinely happy is like LGMH times a bajillion because it's right there and you know it can and is happening so it means more, I guess :).

I feel like this is coming off really weird cuz I sound like a creeper. Like HEHEHEH I WATCH PEOPLE HOLD HANDS IN THE HALLWAY AND IT MAKES ME GIDDY HEHEHEHEH. I promise that isn't actually the case xD.

Point is, I think that's a better way to look at things. Even when you're down, don't curse happy people to bring them down to your level. Be happy for them too, and then everyone's happy instead of everyone being miserable! :D. Don't be jealous, because I can assure you from my perspective at least that not every relationship is as happy and perfect as they'd like to make it seem. If you see a couple happily hugging tomorrow, don't roll your eyes; they may have just made up from a big fight. You never know, they both really may need that happiness right now, so don't begrudge them for it. Even if you'd still give anything to be them. It's only a matter of time until you will and then you'll wish people were happy for you, too <3.

[P.S. Please heal soon, Ash.♥]




♪: "Details In The Fabric" by Jason Mraz
♫: "Song For A Friend" by Jason Mraz

The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen who had the sweetest of sixteens!

I've decided I might actually like people.

I turned 16 yesterday (FINALLY...my friends are getting their driver's licences already...) and it was quite a day to remember. Because I realize that by 16 you really understand who your friends are and are not.
Three different situations occurred yesterday amongst lots of party planning and decorating, and my eyes were opened greatly by each so Imma explain them now :).

Situation 1: I had sent out invitations to most of the 50 people I invited to my party back in mid-September. That included, of course, Tawny and John. By Friday I was down to about 37 definite yes's. Kinda a shame. So at one point in between setting up balloons I got a text from Ash telling me to check Tawny's Facebook. And surprisingly, her status was about how she was going to the Trail of Terror with John and some other people. Ash, being the awesome boyfriend he is, commented, saying, 'I thought you were going to [my] party tonight?' Tawny started making up excuses and whatever about not having a dress to wear etc and not knowing enough people. I texted John too, asking what was up, and he said, 'Oh, i thought [Ash] told you weeks ago I couldn't make it...' etc, etc. So they ended up all hanging out, with another friend of mine that had been invited, and ditching my party that they had known about for a month. Keeping in mind Tawny has thrown parties where Ash and I were some of the only two to commit to going, and I've never missed a Halo night at John's.

Situation 2: Some backstory on this; Ash got his second lung surgery (the same as in July) on Thursday and was in the hospital for a few days because of it. Naturally he was in tons of pain (but doing surprisingly well, texting me all day on Saturday telling me I was amazing and he loved me and missed me :)) so they were giving him crazy amounts of painkillers. Apparently at one point in the day, they gave him a little too much oxy or morphine or SOMETHING cuz he was texting me saying silliness like, 'im really attracted to youiuuu yourw really pretty' etc. Clearly trippy xD. But shortly after that he took a nap, slept it off, and texted me. He had apparently been texting none other than Cissa the same (and worse!) stuff! Like realllly coming on to her strong. All crazy typos and stuff but nevertheless very questionable. Obviously I couldn't be mad because he apologized like CRAZY straight after (to me, and her), swore he never meant/remembered any of it, and even sent me screenshots of the texts so I knew everything. So I wasn't mad at all; in fact, reading the texts, I was really proud :). Because unlike most of Ash's other girl friends that flirt with him like crazy (although he's gotten better at not reciprocating :)), who would have taken advantage of what he was saying, Cissa continuously said stuff like, 'You're being stupid right now, you're supposed to be saying this to [me]' 'Okay what drugs are you on right now because the [Ash] I know loves [me] and would NEVER say that to anyone else' and 'seriously, stop. you don't mean any of this, you love your girlfriend and we're just friends.' Never let up once. And I was just taken aback. It's not that I didn't totally trust her before, it's just that i never totally trusted ANY girl before because I'm always uneasy. With all the issues Ash and I have had (have...)with other girls who are 'just friends' blatantly being flirty to him, I just don't trust many around him anymore. But after that there was just this total flood of relief that like wow, even if my drugged-up boyfriend is throwing himself at her, Cissa would never betray me that way. She's proven 100% that I can actually fully trust her :).

Situation 3: So yeah, Ash was in the hospital since Thursday morning. I knew he wasn't going to make it to my party and it had been making me sad for a month. BUT Saturday his doctors thought he was doing well and took some new X-rays, and decided they could actually send him home!! Now yes, he was still incredibly sore...it was still only 2 days after surgery. But, on his way home from the hospital around 8, he made his parents not only drive to the hall where I had my party, but he STOOD UP OUT OF THE CAR to give me a gentle hug, loving kiss, and to tell me I looked beautiful. Then he came inside for a few minutes to see the cake and say hello to people before giving me a beauuuuutiful necklace as a present and then going back home to rest. I couldn't believe it. He was in so much pain but he did the impossible just to make sure I had a perfect birthday. And I did, and seeing him was the icing on the cake <3.

So there you have it. Three different occurrences that helped me learn a lot about my friends on my birthday. Some are just flakes that no one really needs anyway. Some can prove even the most stubborn cynics wrong. Some will do the amazing just to see you smile because they love you. That night was just amazing, I had so many close friends there who were all so kind, and fun to be around, and just amazing, and it's something I'll never forget. If my year as a 16-year-old is half as good as my first day was, I'll be a happy chicka :).

♪: "With A Little Help From My Friends" by The Beatles.
♫: "Catch Me" by Demi Lovato

The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen who's hesitant.

Trust and hope are delicate, fragile things. They're not easy to get back once broken.

It's hard, because if you trust someone/something, and they break that trust, it's always harder to believe them the second time around no matter how much you want to.

And after a while, if you're constantly hoping things, but get continuously disappointed or proven wrong, it's also more difficult to keep trying to force yourself to think positively, believing in something that you have no reason to anymore.

It's like a balloon; when inflated, it'll float around like no body's business. But poke a hole in it and it deflates in a second, and is a lot harder to pump back up. Because the thing is, even when there's air going in, and everything is being done right, the hole is still there. Disbelieving. Leaking out the happy as soon as it receives it. Getting bigger if it's forced to be stretched even a little bit...it's discouraging. Idk if anyone's been in that kind of situation but if so you know how disheartening and seemingly hopeless it is.

But.
The past few days it's like something's starting to patch up the little hole. Suddenly my pessimism is being proven wrong, just a little, here and there. I start wanting to really believe again, to hope. But it's like this wall in my mind keeps popping up, with all these reasons, valid examples, of why I shouldn't. It blocks my way. And it's logical, hard to ignore. But then there's that whole love thing. Where I WANT to just knock down the wall and let myself let go like I could before. Not caring if I'm setting myself up for more hurt. I kinda just wanna punch the wall of skepticism in the face. But it keeps screaming at me, 'NO. You're STUPID. You're GOING to get hurt again. Try to run past me and you WILL just slam your head again.' And maybe I will. But then, maybe it's just a hologram and I'll get to the other side and be fine. It's a matter of just letting myself do that.

Will that be easy? No. But is it worth another shot anyway, though? I think, just maybe, that it is. Some really fantastic stuff has been happening the past couple days, and whether I had been hoping for it or not, it's exactly what I needed.

So what do you say to taking chances? <3.

♪: "Catch Me" by Demi Lovato.
♫: "Taking Chances" by Celine Dion/covered by Glee

The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen who spent one entire year with the same boyfriend.

Happy Anniversary, Ash <3.

Just a few quick thoughts on the concept of anniversaries in a teen relationship.

-I think one of the first things I noticed was that it wasn't a huge event like I guess I had sort of expected. Like, when you're in your first few months of a relationship, the idea of your anniversary seems so fantastical, and romantic, and magical. And it is, the idea behind it is. But I think one of the things about being with someone for a year, is that after you're with someone for that year, all of that doesn't really matter as much. It just seems like one more great day with this best friend that you love. It's more about being a big milestone, and an excuse to spend some special time with them. I may not be explaining myself well. It's not that this isn't special; it's incredibly special. It's just I guess that we're just so used to assuming that we'll be with each other now that it's not a big surprise. Which is actually more of a good thing, we're just so accustomed to sharing our lives with each other and we're accustomed to the idea that we'll continue to do so :).

-But also, I can't say it's easy to get to. Anyone who's been following this blog knows that. But the fact that you can make it through an entire year with someone when we're this young astounds me. Because like, Ash has been my boyfriend for a year. Every single one of those three-hundred sixty-five days, we've talked. We've learned things about each other. We've dealt with problems. We've had good days, we've had bad days. But we were there for each other through every single one, and we're still together now. He knows everything about me; he knows what I'm like in January, what I'm like in spring, what I'm like in July. I know all of that about him. We know all this stuff about each other, and we've still decided that we love each other. That, I think, is what's fantastic about this. When you first start a relationship, it's really all about getting to know each other. Finding things you like, don't like. Most of the time, along the way, those things become deal-breakers. So after a year you know all the little ticks and faults of that person; you're not ignorant to anything. So I just think if you do know all those things, and you can still love that person with all of their faults just the same, then that's when you can really tell how real something is.

-It doesn't even seem like that long ago. This afternoon, Ash and I were hanging out in the yard of the Yellow House exactly the way we were a year ago. It was sunny but windy, just like then, and we sat and kissed and talked just like then. And it didn't even seem that far away ago, he even said, "I feel like it could very easily have happened just last week." But then thinking back, all the stuff we've been through, it feels like eons, like a time WITHOUT Ash seems like forever ago. It's just a strange perception of time.

-I couldn't be happier, basically. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone, and I'm so excited to start year number two with him <3.

Sorry to any of my single readers for the lovey-dovey post, I just wanted to blurt it out somewhere :). Hope everyone's enjoying October!! It's still definitely my favorite month of the year! :D.

♪: "The Only Exception" by Paramore
♫: "Pretend" by Scott Porter and the Glory Dogs
♪♫: "Catch Me" by Demi Lovato.

-

So here's the deal.

Dearest Darlingest Loyal Bloggity Followers,

It pains me greatly to say I'm taking another hiatus from posting again. I'm sorry. But it appears that every time I get a little bit more personal in my posts because I'm upset and I need to vent, I get flooded with dumbass Formspring brown-nosers who all of a sudden think they know everything about me and feel the need to tell me how to run my life and relationship. And I'm really not okay with that. So if you ARE one of those people who came here curious what everyone's talking about on my Formspring because you think I'm pathetic, or too intense, or dumb, or not fun, or because you want to spread another rumor about Mike being a horrible person (which he is NOT), or because you want more information on how to advise me to live my life, then I would advise you to GO AWAY. I hate you. 

For those of you checking back here because you like reading what I post, or you relate to it, like I've gotten other comments about in the past, I'm really sorry if this is a disappointment. I'll get back as soon as I, once again, clear my head a little and can post more about actual situations I found funny or ironic that point out things about people that I notice...the stuff I originally wanted to post about. 

What I hate the most, I guess, is that I feel like I have to always watch what I say now. I can't just let loose about what's on my mind, because as soon as I do I get a million FS Q's about how I'm messing up. I HATE that that's the case. Even if it got me more viewers I wish I had never posted this on my Formspring to link my identity to it. That was the idea of having codenames and stuff...whoops. I've decided to at least attempt to undo that, I'm taking the link off my Formspring and won't tell anyone what it is if they ask. 

Soooo I'm sorry guys. I just don't really feel comfortable posting for a while, at least until those morons lose interest and forget the URL. I hope you can understand. I'll be back as soon as I feel comfortable, promise <3. 

Love always,

Your Favorite Geek in the Pink. 

♪: "They Provide the Paint (For the Picture-Perfect Masterpiece That You Will Paint On the Inside of Your Eyelids) by Streetlight Manfiesto 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lNhBI9Hwwmo (the lyrics are in the description, check them out if you can't understand what he's saying first time through. I LOVE this song.)

The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen who went global?!

SO I've had this blog for over a year and only recently discovered the 'stats' tab xD. 


Basically it gives me a bunch of information about how many people view my blog per day/week/all time, at what times, and from what browsers, and in what countries. But chill--that's all it gives me, so I can't get names or IP's or anything like that :P. BUT it's still really cool. 
Because according to Stats, just this past week I got views from not only the USA, but also Denmark, Iraq, the UK, Canada...and this MONTH I got some from Brazil, France, and Russia, and all-time I've even gotten some from China and Singapore!!


Like WHAAA?! How did you all even find this blog? xD. Regardless, I think that's freaking amazing. I had no IDEA I had readers that diverse. But welcome! Or should I say:


Hi!
Hej!
Halaw!
'Ello!
Salut!
Olá!
Bonjour!
привет!
Neih hou!
Ho bo!


[Terribly sorry if I just swore at someone but I did my best xD]


So yeah, especially my Denmark viewer(s) that checked this even today, introduce yourself! I'd love to meet someone from a different country!


OOH AND ALSO! My next post will be my 100th on this blog! What do you guys think I should do to make it special?? :D. Leave a comment if you have ideas :). 


♪: "It's a Small World" by those creepy animatrons in Disney World that scared me when I was a kid :P. 

The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen who frickin' loves her AP Lit class.

Every day at the beginning of class, we do a journal with a prompt about something random. Today's was pet peeves. It was so awesome, because we had a 15 minute discussion where we discovered that all of our classmates had the same compulsive peeves as ourselves. And since this blog is about realizing no one's alone in how they think as well, I thought I'd post some of the ones mentioned today that I definitely agree with.

• When your parent/sibling comes into your room, then leaves the door open when they leave. 
• Uneven hoodie strings
• People who talk during movies
• People who talk when you're trying to read or do homework
• People who just don't know when to shut up EVER
• Dry skin or chapped lips
• The feel of cotton balls or raw flour. [I HATE THIS SO MUCH. One girl in my class apparently does too and I wanted to freaking jump out of my seat and hug her cuz I thought it was just me xD]
• When you know someone's been on Facebook but they don't reply to your inbox or wallpost. 
• People who chew gum loudly or obnoxiously, especially when it's quiet
• People who walk slowly in the halls, or simply stop in the middle of the hall.
• Shameless flirts.
• Pretty girls who wear too much makeup when they very obviously don't need it. 
• Frizzy hair
• Tags sticking out of someone else's clothes
• Uneven bra straps
• Pen clicking/tapping
• Using 'like' every other word (It's actually really hard to not do it :P)
• When it's too hot to wear a sweatshirt but too cold to not wear it.

...There were like a trillion others but those are the only ones I remember xD. And I guarantee you read at least some of those and cringed going, 'AHHH I HATE THAT!!' because that was what all of us did. It's so great knowing you're not the only crazy one in the room :D. 

♪: "Pearl" by Katy Perry

The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen who feels like Atlas.

Yeah, I connect real life situations to Greek Mythology. Deal with it.

I feel so rundown lately. I think I'm definitely fighting off some sort of bug or virus since I've been getting these headaches and mild fevers almost daily and getting an upset stomach too. But idk if the stressed caused those symptoms or the symptoms are adding to the stress, it's hard to tell.

Ash has been really frazzled lately. He has obscene amounts of Chem homework, the manager of the place he was supposed to start work this week is a flake, and he's just stressed. And I mean I completely understand that he has a lot on his mind, and I would obviously be stressed too, I just hate how he becomes when he's stressed and doesn't get enough sleep. Whenever he isn't too busy to talk, he snaps at me when I try to ask what's wrong, he says really vicious things meant as jokes, and he's just not the sweet, sensitive guy I'm used to. It's just not him. And I'm not getting frustrated or impatient with that, I know funks just happen, it's just not a good thing. I try to stay positive and peppy anyway, it's just...

It's a lot harder than I'm making it look.

Because I've apparently developed my own paranoia. It's really delightful, I can't fall asleep anymore unless I think/know he's asleep. Because otherwise I just lay in bed wondering who he's talking to if it isn't me. So i stay up, refreshing Facebook again and again until I'm certain he's asleep. I wake up in the morning and there's always something he posted long after I fell asleep anyway, though. It makes me sound so creepy and desperate to admit this, I know. Plus it means I'm not getting enough sleep either which is REALLY not good. It's just this paranoia since last week that I can't seem to shake. I hate it and I hate myself for doing it but I just can't stop.

But I've come to a realization. No matter if I do find something and get upset about it, or I tell him something bothers me...he isn't going to do anything different. When it comes down to it, if he decides he wants to flirt with Regina or anyone else, he will. Nothing I can say would stop him. So, I just have to accept that. He tells me he loves me and only me and only wants to love me, that when he hugs Cady or whatever, it means nothing. That's what I want to believe, and if he's telling me that then I just have to believe it. All I can do is assume he's telling the truth, and meanwhile be the best girlfriend I can be. I've made an extra effort lately to look absolutely gorgeous at school and be sweet and non-irritable and low-maintenance for him so I can be sure all he'd want is me. And that's really all I can do at this point, so there's no point in getting stressed about something that may not be happening or ever will happen. I'll just give this everything I got and hope for the best. If I get screwed over again...well, you can put on the record now that it was my own choice. 

So that's been going on in my head too. And if that isn't enough, I recently got some news that my grandpa in Australia really isn't doing too well. We sent him some 'support' greeting cards by express mail today instead of 'get well' ones. 

And it's all just getting to be too much. I wear my high heels to feel confident during the day at school, and I can shove it all in a bottle and be strong and look completely fine. But then as soon as I'm alone it just feels like I'm carrying the weight of the world. I keep thinking and thinking about all this stuff I have no control over and can't fix or make better. And I just break down in tears and don't know what to think. I hate it. I don't want to be like this.

I know Ash is trying. He calls to say he loves me and he asks how my day was and tries to cheer me up. He's a good boyfriend. But I can't expect that of him right now, he has his own shit to deal with. I have to snap myself out of this and it's just not easy. I want to be happy, for him. I have tons of reasons to be happy, like him. Or like the fact our anniversary is in a week. And I can be happy for a little while and then I just don't have the energy anymore. I hate it.

So do me a favor please? When you see me smiling and laughing and being confident at school, just go along with it. Pretend you don't know what I'm really feeling. I have to keep faking it until I make it. 

♪: "Stand In The Rain" by Superchick
♫: "Pearl" by Katy Perry

♪♫: "Failing, Flailing" by Streetlight Manifesto

I don't care that I may be wrong. I don't care about the little voice in the back of my head telling me that. I don't care that he said our song 'lost meaning since it became mainstream'. I don't care. Because this still means a lot to me. And he means a lot to me. And I know he loves me and I love him. And I know I can be strong.
♪: "The Only Exception" by Paramore.

The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen who thinks Formspring isn't all bad.

Firstly, FAQ's!
-No, I will never confirm or deny or reveal the real name of any codename I use on this blog. Any questions regarding this I will delete.

Favorite Recent Questions From Ash's or My Formsprigs:

why do you flirt with [Regina] and [Cady]? honestly, though! [Me] is one of a kind and you are soooo lucky to have a girl like her; why risk losing her?

Is iT worse to do somEthing bad, or to Lie about it? To Lie about it. If someone really cares about you, and you're completely up front about everytHing Even if you know you scRewd up, they'll probably forgive you. . . (From [Me]'s blog) [**see note about this one at bottom.]

Lol yeah flirting with other girls while dating someone = flirting especially if you're saying you love them and shit. Also, she actually is a whore though, she like went after my bf at one point in time. And no I'm pretty sure she does.

~~~~~~~~~~~ Ash's above, mine below~~~~~~

[me]. u r a lovely girl and u r my friend so Im gonna try to help u. I've tried to give [Regina] the benefit of the doubt time and time again but each time, se has proved me wrong and has lost my trust. be warned that she always ruins relationships.

dont worry about the shit [Regina] says shes a stupid whore. mike obviously loves u a lot and shes just jealous cause all guys want her for is sex. ur gorgeous and have a relationship worthy of envy. :)

your newest blog where you said you think its "weird" that you can forgive but not forget..i am the exact same way. bring up a situation that happened over a year ago and i will be just as pissed as when it happened. you're not alone. 

your bf is amazing. i can only hope someday i find a guy like that =]

I read your blog, and I'm sorry that [Ash] isn't treating you as well as he should, you deserve the best and he should know that, whatever happened is in the past (hopefully) and it's good that you forgave him, I hope things truly do work out :)

**So did you all shit bricks when you saw what I meant in the starred question that was on Ash's Formspring? Cree-py. We have an idea of who wrote it and that person is probably just trying to start more false shit with us again [not Nina, though]. But if you're just some random person that thinks they know something I don't know, why don't YOU tell me? Shoot me an inbox sometime, I'm curious. 

To anyone and everyone that's been supportive and caring and concerned towards me...thank you. So much. I'd give you all hugs if I knew who you were. It means the world to me that people who read this actually care about me, it's like having a gazillion imaginary friends who keep an eye on me and are there when things get tough. So you guys rock. This is really just a thank you to you all :). 

But to anyone that I don't really like and who know I don't really like them...don't be a creep. Kay? Kay. 

♪: "Satellite Skin" by Modest Mouse

The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen whose desire for grudges holds constant wars with her attention span.

Just a quick and random post. I discovered something about myself today.

As a general rule, I hold grudges. Deeply. I can still recall things that my mom didn't buy me when I was 6 that I resent her for. Even though Rayne and I are pretty friendly now I'll still never forget her and Sal. It's just that I can forgive, but I fear that if I ever forget (the way Ash does) then I'll get screwed over the same way twice. And I don't want to let that happen so this is how I am.

BUT I also discovered I have absolutely no patience for long-lasting drama. Like Nina over the summer, it gets to a point where I just throw my hands up and say whatever because I'm bored. Not tired of, or over, the situation, I just get genuinely bored of being upset over the same thing for long periods of time. I wanna move on to something new. Does this mean I've forgiven anyone? Absolutely not. If you remind me about it two weeks later the anger will probably resurface. But there just comes a point where I get done. I don't want to talk about it or think about it or deal with it anymore. I don't care if deep down I'm still hurt or things aren't fully resolved, I just wanna pretend it never happened and move on.

It's just kinda weird.

OTHER NEWS. I love you readers, you guys are fantastic <3. I love knowing someone out there can relate to how I feel.
Also, I haven't gotten a tumblr yet so I can't reblog things. BUT I've been following a friend of mine's, codename Chamille, and I just love some of the stuff she posts. And this one in particular made me laugh out loud for like 5 minutes straight because I LOVE Belle and this is all true. So I'm sharing it with y'all too :).

Ooh and one last thing, anyone know where I could find/how I could make a decent Cortana Halloween costume? ;)

♪: "Thank Goodness" from Wicked
♫: "Supergirl" by Hilary Duff

The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen who misplaced her rose-colored glasses. Now I gotta dust them off to put them back on.

That sounds like a good name for a song, actually. Calling dibs on that title now :P.

What is trust?
Trust is having faith in someone, believing what they tell you, and being assured at all times that they are and will be true, and be completely honest with you.

Why is trust important?
Because otherwise you simply can't believe anyone or anything.

What happens when you do trust someone?
Everything works. You're happy, there are no worries, and life is good.

What happens when you don't?
Constant, destructive stress. Every moment of the day you wonder if they're lying to you, if they're deceiving you. You listen to everything they say and then think, 'But what if they don't mean that?'

What builds trust?
Constant honesty and openness and complete truth.

What destroys it?
Deceit, lies, and any sort of hidden information can destroy trust.

Can trust be repaired?
Yes.

How? 
Apologizing and meaning it. Admitting you were wrong. Rebuilding the trust. Being overly honest. Never doing the same thing that broke the trust the first time. Constantly reassuring the person that you care about them and are doing everything you can to make this right. Constantly reassuring them you want nothing more than to earn back their trust and will do whatever it takes; then doing that. Telling the truth, the entire truth. Hiding a single thing will put you back to square one.

Then is everything as good as new?
Break a mirror. You can glue it back together perfectly, but you can still see the faint cracks. Unless you like, melted the glass back together. That might work :P.

That's a shame. Is it even worth fixing then, if it can't quite be the same?
Yes. I dare you to show me a mirror you've used regularly for a year that doesn't have a single scratch or crack. It happens. Gives it character.

How long does it usually take?
Trust can take weeks and months to completely build and only an hour or so to break. It depends on the situation and people and the bond they have.

And if the mirror is smashed beyond repair?
If picking up the broken glass gives you more cuts and pain than the happiness you get from looking into the finished mirror, then no, it is not worth it.

How do you know when it's worth it or not?
You feel it.

Is it worse to do something bad, or to lie about it?
To lie about it. If someone really cares about you, and you're completely up front about everything even if you know you screwed up, they'll probably forgive you. It's worse when they have to hear it from someone else, or they find out from snooping. Don't write it off as 'it was nothing' or 'they won't find out, it doesn't matter'. They will always find out.


Can you have a relationship without trust?
Not a very good one. Unless neither of you really care about what the other is doing. But if you care, even a little bit, and you can't trust them...it'll hurt.

Do you trust Ash?
Not entirely, not right now. But I love him and trust him enough for now that I want to give him the chance to make it right. I want to give us the chance.

How does he feel about that?
He's patient. He knows how I feel so he doesn't hold it against me when I ask to see his Facebook inbox or whatever. He wants us to work out and is trying to do everything he can.

Why did you get so upset about what happened anyway? He was just flirting, he never touched any other girl...
Because it still makes me feel like shit, and like I was being deceived. Like I'm doing everything I can to make him happy, and he's telling me he loves me, then he was going behind my back telling someone else he loves them and not me. It makes me feel like the whole thing was a lie, even if he was never serious with Regina, and only ever did really love me. It just hurt, and I felt lied to. Now it's harder for me to trust him, because now I wonder if every girl he says is "just a friend" and that it "was nothing" is actually more than that like Regina was.

Do you hate Regina?
Yes. She's the same category as Nina as far as I'm concerned. Maybe worse because the stuff Ash said to her was actually legit.

Are you completely honest with Ash?
Yes, actually. Am I a perfect girlfriend? Not by a long shot. I've done stuff that's upset him, and he told me so now I won't do it anymore. But I tell him everything. I can't bear to lie to him or keep anything from him. Except, of course, his awesome anniversary present. I can keep that a surprise ;).

Have you ever been a part of a conversation anything like Ash and Regina's ones with someone other than Ash since you've been dating?
No. I've gone to the movies with Devon though, and even though it was obviously just as friends and nothing SLIGHTLY romantic occurred, Ash still wasn't too cool with it. So I know that now, the way he knows that I'm not very cool with him talking to other girls and saying they're pretty at 1am.

So then what's going on with you and Ash. Straight up.
We had an issue but we worked through it. Neither one of us is perfect but we love each other so we can work past each other's mistakes. We're going to stay together and we're going to be very happy. [Hopefully] No other girl is going to get in the way of that, Ash is going to try and be sensitive and not do anything that he knows would upset me. If that doesn't happen...well, I'm not allowing myself to think negatively for the moment or I'll drive myself bonkers. Okay? So please don't ask further questions. I just want to forget this all happened.

♪: "Love the Way You Lie" by Eminem, ft. Rihanna
♫: "Be Good To Me" by Ashley Tisdale
♪♫: "We Are The Few" by Streetlight Manifesto. Because yeah, all either of us knows now is that we gotta do something right.

The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen who needs to stop hitting herself.

Just about a year ago (361 days, precicely) I got an email from a friend who was having a mental breakdown. This girl that had broken his heart was suddenly IMing him saying she missed him, and even though he swore he'd never go back to her, he was so confused and unsure. The next morning I went into school, walked up to him (and we rarely talked in person before), picked up his arm and whacked it against his stomach, saying, 'Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself!...point made?' and he laughed and said yes. Now I sort of feel like I need someone to do that to me.

It's ironic, though, that situation was basically the start of the most wonderful, confusing, heartbreaking, true, deep, loving, sacrificing, thrilling beautiful disaster of a relationship I've ever experienced. A relationship I do happen to still be in.

Shit went down. I'm not supposed to be telling people more than that although you probably can guess. Ash never touched the other girl (besides hugs), i'd like to at least make that clear. Nevertheless, the offence was enough that I went to his house today intending to end it. But, we talked it out and after much crying and promising and apologizing, I forgave him. It'll take a while to earn back the trust he broke but he's working on it, for us. And I think the mere fact he's doing that is enough reassurance I'm doing the right thing.

Am I an idiot? Naive? Pathetic? Maybe. But I also do need to learn to have a little faith in people sometimes. Ash loves me, and he's going to prove that, so we'll see how it goes. Fingers crossed for luck. I'll keep you guys posted <3.

♪: "You Got Nothin' On Me" by Demi Lovato
♫: "Here We Go Again" by Demi Lovato

Published with Blogger-droid v1.5.9

Oh god...

He lied.
I was right.
Commence dying in hole.

Hope Regina's happy.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.5.9

The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen with no patience for people.

Reasons [most] Girls Suck*:

-They flirt with people they shouldn't flirt with.

-They gossip.

-They PMS.

-They're bratty.

-They're catty.

-They're two-faced.

-They're insincere.

-They lie.

-They're superficial.

-They're clique-y.

-They're obnoxious.

*This is not hypocritical. I fully admit I can be all of these things too.

Reasons [most] Guys Suck:

-They upset and hurt girls.

-They don't understand girls.

-They don't understand the hints girls give off.

-They don't understand what girls mean when they say things.

-They're insensitive.

-They lie. 

-They don't think...like ever.

-They'll never admit they're wrong, or are making a mistake, and rarely admit when they made a mistake.

-They have no concept of character judgement.

-They're too obsessive about video games.

-They just don't know what the right thing is to do in certain situations.

Again, this isn't everyone. Cissa's been wonderful today, and Keith was being pretty cool. And Ash really isn't as bad as I made him out to be with how angry I was today. I'll admit I overreacted, but I stand by the fact that I had every reason to still be ticked off. I just shouldn't have reacted so much on the ticked-off-ness. But i was just so goddamn ANGRY! I could just see this turning into Nina all over again and I just wanted to claw someone's eyes out! GAH. We're talking about Regina here, btw, if you remember her from all the way back in June. But yeah, I just don't like her much. I'll leave it at that. 

In other news, Joe is currently visiting the US from Korea and he's apparently gonna come to school with us tomorrow!!! YAYYYYY I'M SO STOKED :D.

♪: "Paralyzed" by The Used

The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen who has weird phobias.

For one, I'm terrified of moths. Bad experience when I was a kid. I am completely comfortable around spiders, and bees, and wasps, and snakes, but moths...*shudder.*

I also recently discovered I get panic attacks from being tickled too much, idk if that counts as a fear though or just hating being tickled.

But I came to the realization today that I am completely, horribly, terrified by the idea of break ups.

See, Tawny and John broke up yesterday. Sadface :(. The thing is too that I'm pretty sure they're serious this time. They've 'broken up' in the past for a matter of a day before getting back together, but it seems like this time it's for good. Tawny may already be interested in another guy too, but that's not my business to discuss here. Point is, it got ME thinking about break ups and it just sent this horrid chill down my spine. It was that kind of terror when someone like, suggests going on Downtime when you're afraid of heights, or pushes you in the deep end when you don't know how to swim. Like for one the idea of losing Ash, not being able to hug and kiss him all the time, that hits like a rock in the head. But even just the idea of going through a break up, dealing with all the 'what happened?' and 'aww i'm sorry, you wanna talk about it?', trying to find a way to make things work in your new situation without going insane, trying to stay strong but knowing that's not even an option for at least a week or so...the entire thought of that just makes me want to lock myself in a closet and go, 'LALALALALALA NOT LISTENING ITS NOT HAPPENING LALALALALA'. You know? It's just a huge fear of mine.

I don't want to think about it right now though. Things with Ash are going fantastic. (We worked out what was bothering me in the last post. For now, at least, unless he does it again :P). Our anniversary is in a couple weeks :). I'm hoping to make it fantastic because I won't get to see him on my birthday (he'll be in the hospital with his second lung surgery :( :( :'(. ). But yeah. One Acts is going well at least. And Glee was fantastic last night :).

Oh, and I was talking to my friend Chico at lunch today about how a surprisingly large amount of people read this blog. So like, hai gaiz :). I really do appreciate having readers, its pretty awesome. Be sure to leave comments or use the feedback buttons so I can hear from y'all :).

♪: "Satellite Heart" by Anya Marina
♫: "Your Love Is My Drug" by Cashew? Ketchup? Idk, that drunk dollar sign girl that needs to go to the triple-A meetin's. [+5 awesome points if you got that.]

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

URGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

FRUSTRATIONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.

I literally just want to punch a wall, cry a river into it, and then throw things at the wall until the hole is filled up and sealed. GAH. Sometimes it literally seems like the only person who wants Ash and I to have a nice, happy relationship is me. And he's going to get mad at me for saying that and being upset; whatever. I just feel like shit right now and it seems like no one cares because it's my own fault for feeling shitty and I should just get over it.
Well maybe I won't this time.

♪: "Face Down" by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
♫: "Hot n Cold" by Katy Perry

The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen with a cold.

And I'd put money on the fact that at least 2 people reading this right now have one too.

It's fall, and the change of seasons seems to always bring about sniffling, coughing, and sneezing in every class--usually it's the kid that sits behind you or shares a lab table. You feel that tickle in the back of your throat and soon enough your sinuses become lumps of concrete and it feels like you swallowed too much broken glass. Every time you talk you sound like Mr. Snuffleupagus and you have to get up to blow your nose in class every 5 minutes...it sucks :P. SO since you're either sick, or probably going to be sick shortly, I've put together a survival guide for those snotty 5-7 days :).

-Stay or Go? The morning you wake up with a cold, you know it. Everything aches, you can't breathe through your nose, and it feels like there's a fog over your brain. So, the first question is, do you go to school and suffer through it there? Or (if your parents are obliging) call in sick and chill out watching Wheel of Fortune all day? Often this depends what kind of day you have. Tests, quizzes, and projects are nice to miss, but a pain in the ass to make up. If you're really unprepared though then congratulations, you just found your perfect solution for another day of studying xD. Break out the pajama pants, robe, and fuzzy slippers for a day of OJ and fleece throws. If you don't wanna miss a test, or your parents don't believe it's bad enough, then you get to fight a losing battle against the weight of your eyelids for 6 hours...joy.

-Purell Me! If you're leaving your room at all with a cold you better freakin have hand sanitizer or pocket-size-Wet-Ones with you. Cuz you know why I got sick this time?! Okay, well it was probably from kissing Ash when he had a cold. BUT YOU KNOW HOW I'VE GOTTEN SICK OTHER TIMES?! From people that go to school when they're sick. And I get that, you have to do that sometimes; I've had quizzes the past 2 days that I didn't want to miss. But goodness people don't sneeze on me! Or cough on me! Or near me! And if you're borrowing my pencil you damn well better sanitize that before giving it back! Most teachers these days have delightfully huge bottles of the stuff near the tissue box and it's extremely convenient. But if they don't, you better have your own because I do NOT want the desk after you otherwise :P. Just be courteous, people. You wouldn't wish anyone else to feel this crappy.

-A Nose In Need Needs Puffs Indeed. School tissues suck. Those pathetic little fine-grain sandpaper sheets leave you with nothing but a sore, red nose by the end of the day. BUT the school won't spring for better so that's all you got. However, some rare, divine teachers recognize this and shoot you a godsend: they personally buy their own tissue boxes for their class. These can vary from the classic Kleenex Extra-Soft, to Puffs Ultra or Puffs Plus Lotion (my personal favorite), and I've even seen the Kleenex Anti-Bacterial ones that kill the germs in your boogers so they don't float from the trashcan to anywhere else or something, apparently. My physics teacher does this and I wanted to just hug her today; she has a big box of Extra-Soft and a big bottle of lemon-scented hand sanitizer next to it. Sadly, most teachers DON'T bother with this, so you may be interested in bringing your own pack of tissues in your backpack. You'll look a little lame, but you'll have the last laugh when you're the only one without a chapped Rudolph-style nose!

-They Tried To Make Me Go To Rehab But I Said, "Achoo, Achoo, Achoo". Think positively: your cold benefits SOMEONE. Pharmaceutical companies make billions each year making delightful drugs for people exactly like you! YAYYY DRUGS! xD. So start off your day with a Sudafed to keep your nose clear, continue with some Tylenol if you're achey, and grab some Ricola Cough Drops or Chloraseptic Throat Spray if your throat is sore. I also personally LOVE Yogi teas when I have a cold. It's a brand of teas in the natural foods section of Stop and Shop, and I really love the one called "Throat Comfort".  It's got Echinacea in it which just soothes your throat like nothing else and doesn't taste bad either. They also have a good one called "Breathe Deep" which clears your nosey. Pick up a "Cold Season Sampler" if you wanna try a couple different ones. They're pricey, but they work and are worth it :).

-MY BUBBLES. I love taking bubble baths when I'm sick. The hot water helps drain your nose, soothe your muscles, and break a fever. And bubbles are fun ;). I also like adding a little lavender bath oil, because lavender helps you fall asleep faster.

-With A Soda On The Side. I'm pretty sure Chicken Soup is a given here. Homemade is always the best but some Chunky will do in a pinch. Omnomnomslurp. :).

And there you go! That's basically how I'm getting through this cold, maybe you picked up some stuff that'll help you get through yours. If you have any other remedies you'd like to share, I do always love getting comments! :)

Also, as you can tell, I'm home sniffly and bored today and probably all of tomorrow too since Ash is grounded. So shoot me an inbox or Formspring, I could use some entertainment xD.



Have a nice [healthy] weekend!

P.S. It seems like everyone's getting Tumblr's nowadays. Imma stay faithful to Blogger for now though :). Do you guys have opinions? Should I switch sites? Do you have Tumblrs that would be easier to follow me with? Feedback por favorrr! :)

♪: "Satellite Heart" by Anya Marina
♫: "Hot n Cold" by Katy Perry.