Yeah, I connect real life situations to Greek Mythology. Deal with it.
I feel so rundown lately. I think I'm definitely fighting off some sort of bug or virus since I've been getting these headaches and mild fevers almost daily and getting an upset stomach too. But idk if the stressed caused those symptoms or the symptoms are adding to the stress, it's hard to tell.
Ash has been really frazzled lately. He has obscene amounts of Chem homework, the manager of the place he was supposed to start work this week is a flake, and he's just stressed. And I mean I completely understand that he has a lot on his mind, and I would obviously be stressed too, I just hate how he becomes when he's stressed and doesn't get enough sleep. Whenever he isn't too busy to talk, he snaps at me when I try to ask what's wrong, he says really vicious things meant as jokes, and he's just not the sweet, sensitive guy I'm used to. It's just not him. And I'm not getting frustrated or impatient with that, I know funks just happen, it's just not a good thing. I try to stay positive and peppy anyway, it's just...
It's a lot harder than I'm making it look.
Because I've apparently developed my own paranoia. It's really delightful, I can't fall asleep anymore unless I think/know he's asleep. Because otherwise I just lay in bed wondering who he's talking to if it isn't me. So i stay up, refreshing Facebook again and again until I'm certain he's asleep. I wake up in the morning and there's always something he posted long after I fell asleep anyway, though. It makes me sound so creepy and desperate to admit this, I know. Plus it means I'm not getting enough sleep either which is REALLY not good. It's just this paranoia since last week that I can't seem to shake. I hate it and I hate myself for doing it but I just can't stop.
But I've come to a realization. No matter if I do find something and get upset about it, or I tell him something bothers me...he isn't going to do anything different. When it comes down to it, if he decides he wants to flirt with Regina or anyone else, he will. Nothing I can say would stop him. So, I just have to accept that. He tells me he loves me and only me and only wants to love me, that when he hugs Cady or whatever, it means nothing. That's what I want to believe, and if he's telling me that then I just have to believe it. All I can do is assume he's telling the truth, and meanwhile be the best girlfriend I can be. I've made an extra effort lately to look absolutely gorgeous at school and be sweet and non-irritable and low-maintenance for him so I can be sure all he'd want is me. And that's really all I can do at this point, so there's no point in getting stressed about something that may not be happening or ever will happen. I'll just give this everything I got and hope for the best. If I get screwed over again...well, you can put on the record now that it was my own choice.
So that's been going on in my head too. And if that isn't enough, I recently got some news that my grandpa in Australia really isn't doing too well. We sent him some 'support' greeting cards by express mail today instead of 'get well' ones.
And it's all just getting to be too much. I wear my high heels to feel confident during the day at school, and I can shove it all in a bottle and be strong and look completely fine. But then as soon as I'm alone it just feels like I'm carrying the weight of the world. I keep thinking and thinking about all this stuff I have no control over and can't fix or make better. And I just break down in tears and don't know what to think. I hate it. I don't want to be like this.
I know Ash is trying. He calls to say he loves me and he asks how my day was and tries to cheer me up. He's a good boyfriend. But I can't expect that of him right now, he has his own shit to deal with. I have to snap myself out of this and it's just not easy. I want to be happy, for him. I have tons of reasons to be happy, like him. Or like the fact our anniversary is in a week. And I can be happy for a little while and then I just don't have the energy anymore. I hate it.
So do me a favor please? When you see me smiling and laughing and being confident at school, just go along with it. Pretend you don't know what I'm really feeling. I have to keep faking it until I make it.
♪: "Stand In The Rain" by Superchick
♫: "Pearl" by Katy Perry
♪♫: "Failing, Flailing" by Streetlight Manifesto
I don't care that I may be wrong. I don't care about the little voice in the back of my head telling me that. I don't care that he said our song 'lost meaning since it became mainstream'. I don't care. Because this still means a lot to me. And he means a lot to me. And I know he loves me and I love him. And I know I can be strong.
♪: "The Only Exception" by Paramore.
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