Okay, first order of business:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just turned 15. Had an amazing day, and I couldn't be happier!!!
Ash got me a bracelet. I don't think I'll be taking it off any time soon, it's very pretty :). He hung out with me all afternoon and came out to dinner with my parents and I, it was just a really, really great day. I'm really falling for this kid.
There's a catch, though. Isn't there always?
As much as I love Ash, I feel almost...hesitant? I think? Like I love snuggling with him, and hearing him say he loves me, but in the back of my mind there's a little voice going, "Yeah, well, Sal said that too and then broke up with you an hour later. This kid could too.". In my heart, I know I can trust him, but that friggin' voice just unsettles me every time. It's not fair!! I shouldn't lose faith in every guy just because of stupid Sal.
So I told Ash this. I'm honest with him. And he just cuddled me and said that he would never do that (i did warn him 'never' is a difficult promise to keep...) and that he loves me, and really wants this to work out, and I can trust him. He said he wanted to prove it to me, and that all he needs is a chance.
Remember my rant about chances? ;)
So I say to hell with the little voice. I found a guy who is so sweet, so thoughtful, and so dedicated that he stayed up until midnight to wish me happy birthday on my Facebook wall and then 2:30am drawing a picture of us and my favorite Pokemon :). It's a really cute drawing too, I have it hanging up on my board and when I look at it it makes me smile :) :) :). And if he makes me happy, why should I be worried? I trust him, I really do.
And because of that, it was indeed a very happy birthday :D.
P.S. Sal got me raspberry-filled Lindt chocolate (faveee), some cute chopsticks, and scented rocks (i lurrrve aromatherapy). It was nice of him :).
♪: "What's Left of Me" by Nick Lachey
♫: "Innocence" by Avril Lavigne
Friday, October 16, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen who doesn't know everything.
I never said I did. I mean, every teen would like to think they know everything, but we don't.
Not to say we're stupid. We still know more than adults would like to give us credit for.
Ash and I are official, by the way, as of last Wednesday. :).
I had an amazing night last night. Ash is just one of those people I can spend hours and hours with and it's still not enough time. We went for a walk around the woods in the back of my house, then my other friends came over for a game of Manhunt, and it was just a really fantastic evening. I couldn't have imagined better if I tried.
And now I'm re-evaulating my qualifications for "love". Because see, when I'm Ash, it's this amazing feeling...where all I want is him, all I can think is him, and all I want to do is see him smile. And that feeling...the only word for it is love. But we've only been dating for like, 5 days, so obviously it's not the real, deep kind of love that I felt for Sal when I was writing my old qualifications. If you don't remember, they were as follows:
-Do you trust them absolutely and completely with anything? Like would you put your life in their hands without a second thought?
-Do you care about them infinitely? As in, do you put their well-being and happiness before your own?
-Would you die for them?
Now before I had said, 'it's love when you can answer 'yes' to all three of those questions'. But I can't quite answer 'yes' to all of those, but I still feel in love. So instead of having to fufill all of those at once, I'm considering them levels.
So this first lovey-dovey cloud-9 deeper-than-crush is level 1. I can very easily promise that I trust Ash completely with my life. It's amazing how honest and open we are with each other. Then, somewhere along the line, I'll be able to surrender and confidently say that his well-being and happiness is infinitely more important than my own. Then, when the feeling is a real, true, deep emotion...when I get to the point where I have a physical need for Ash, where I wouldn't ever want to live without him, where I would die for him...that's level 3, and that's the truest, deepest kind of love. But it doesn't just happen. The other stuff has to come first, and it takes time.
But, for now, I'm completely happy in admitting that I may just be falling in love with Ash. :)
And it feels spectacular.
♪: "Pretend" by Scott Porter
Not to say we're stupid. We still know more than adults would like to give us credit for.
Ash and I are official, by the way, as of last Wednesday. :).
I had an amazing night last night. Ash is just one of those people I can spend hours and hours with and it's still not enough time. We went for a walk around the woods in the back of my house, then my other friends came over for a game of Manhunt, and it was just a really fantastic evening. I couldn't have imagined better if I tried.
And now I'm re-evaulating my qualifications for "love". Because see, when I'm Ash, it's this amazing feeling...where all I want is him, all I can think is him, and all I want to do is see him smile. And that feeling...the only word for it is love. But we've only been dating for like, 5 days, so obviously it's not the real, deep kind of love that I felt for Sal when I was writing my old qualifications. If you don't remember, they were as follows:
-Do you trust them absolutely and completely with anything? Like would you put your life in their hands without a second thought?
-Do you care about them infinitely? As in, do you put their well-being and happiness before your own?
-Would you die for them?
Now before I had said, 'it's love when you can answer 'yes' to all three of those questions'. But I can't quite answer 'yes' to all of those, but I still feel in love. So instead of having to fufill all of those at once, I'm considering them levels.
So this first lovey-dovey cloud-9 deeper-than-crush is level 1. I can very easily promise that I trust Ash completely with my life. It's amazing how honest and open we are with each other. Then, somewhere along the line, I'll be able to surrender and confidently say that his well-being and happiness is infinitely more important than my own. Then, when the feeling is a real, true, deep emotion...when I get to the point where I have a physical need for Ash, where I wouldn't ever want to live without him, where I would die for him...that's level 3, and that's the truest, deepest kind of love. But it doesn't just happen. The other stuff has to come first, and it takes time.
But, for now, I'm completely happy in admitting that I may just be falling in love with Ash. :)
And it feels spectacular.
♪: "Pretend" by Scott Porter
Sunday, October 4, 2009
The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen who's back, baby!
I'M HAPPY.
And I mean it this time, like this happy is here to stay this time. Really :).
Remember the last post before Sal and I broke up? How I said that everything happens for a reason, that everything can change when you least expect it? And then we broke up and I tried not to be a hypocrite but I totally was?
Well. Let me tell you a story.
I was at the fair in town with Sal and some other friends and, as usual, I broke down crying with Rayne. It was just so difficult to see him and not be with him. At one point it just got so bad that I ditched all of them, found a nice tree to sit under, and I just sat there singing softly to myself and crying. Eventually another heartbroken friend of mine joined me and she listened while I had a panic attack. She, contrary to my wishes, went and got Sal. We talked for a while and I told him that I still had feelings and am willing to do whatever it takes to make this work again. The night ended with him saying, "I think you should move on."
Yeah. It sucked. So I went home, and like any depressed teenager, posted a sad status on Facebook. This guy who I kinda vaguely knew as a nice person but we had never really talked commented saying that if I ever needed to talk he'd be willing to listen. So I got his screenname, went on AIM, and pretty much emotionally vomited everything. He listened patiently, told me about his own heartbreak experience, and it was just kinda nice to have someone listen like that. That was mid-September. Since then we've been talking more and more every day and I really got to like him. Then yesterday, we went to the movies together, just us, and then hung out at my house. And yesterday night we admitted that we liked each other :).
Yeah, that's right, I like a guy. Who isn't Sal. This hasn't happened in over a year.
But it feels pretty freaking awesome.
And even though Sal has been acting funny around me lately, I honestly just don't care anymore. He and his friends have a habit of constantly excluding me, making me feel on the outer because I'm always doing something wrong. Whereas Ash doesn't. He likes me for who I am. And he listens to me, and I listen to him, and we like each other's music, and everything just feels so easy and natural around him. I'm not constantly worried about how I'm acting like with Sal nowadays. And honestly, even if Sal and I had ended up getting back together at the carnival that night, I still would have been afraid of doing something wrong that would make him leave me again. But with Ash, I can start fresh, and it's this totally amazing feeling.
So in the past like, 3 weeks, I have gone from:
Constantly crying uncontrollably->Constantly giggling uncontrollably
Checking my email for emails from Sal every 2 minutes->Talking to Ash for hours on end
Hanging out in a group with Sal being miserable->Watching Pokemon reruns with just Ash (yes, that is where i got the codename ;)) being happy
Being up late at night shaking with panic attacks, feeling like my heart was physically hurt->Being up late at night listening to songs Ash sent me and smiling until my face hurts
Wishing for something I can't have->Having something I would have never dared wish for.
So, I was right the first time when I said everything happens for a reason. And yeah, it's hard to believe that sometimes. But when you least expect it, magic can come down from the sky and make everything alright again. And although we aren't *officially* together yet, I'm so enjoying this anxious feeling. That feeling when you're just on the edge of a new crush and everything about him gives you butterflies and makes you smile and giggle...I feel like I'm 11 again!
And I wouldn't have it any other way. :)
"I believe in pink.
I belive laughing is the best calorie burner.
I believe in kissing; kissing a lot.
I belive in being strong when everthing else seems to be going wrong.
I believe that the happiest girls are the prettiest girls.
I believe that tomorrow is another day;
and i believe in miracles."
-Audrey Hepburn
Lots of songs today...
♪: "Catch Me" by Demi Lovato
♫: "Pretend" by Scott Porter and the Glory Dogs (Bandslam)
♪♫: "It's a Wonderful Life" by Bandits of the Acoustic Revolution
♫♫: "The Remedy" by Jason Mraz
♫♫♪: "Fall For You" by Secondhand Serenade
And I mean it this time, like this happy is here to stay this time. Really :).
Remember the last post before Sal and I broke up? How I said that everything happens for a reason, that everything can change when you least expect it? And then we broke up and I tried not to be a hypocrite but I totally was?
Well. Let me tell you a story.
I was at the fair in town with Sal and some other friends and, as usual, I broke down crying with Rayne. It was just so difficult to see him and not be with him. At one point it just got so bad that I ditched all of them, found a nice tree to sit under, and I just sat there singing softly to myself and crying. Eventually another heartbroken friend of mine joined me and she listened while I had a panic attack. She, contrary to my wishes, went and got Sal. We talked for a while and I told him that I still had feelings and am willing to do whatever it takes to make this work again. The night ended with him saying, "I think you should move on."
Yeah. It sucked. So I went home, and like any depressed teenager, posted a sad status on Facebook. This guy who I kinda vaguely knew as a nice person but we had never really talked commented saying that if I ever needed to talk he'd be willing to listen. So I got his screenname, went on AIM, and pretty much emotionally vomited everything. He listened patiently, told me about his own heartbreak experience, and it was just kinda nice to have someone listen like that. That was mid-September. Since then we've been talking more and more every day and I really got to like him. Then yesterday, we went to the movies together, just us, and then hung out at my house. And yesterday night we admitted that we liked each other :).
Yeah, that's right, I like a guy. Who isn't Sal. This hasn't happened in over a year.
But it feels pretty freaking awesome.
And even though Sal has been acting funny around me lately, I honestly just don't care anymore. He and his friends have a habit of constantly excluding me, making me feel on the outer because I'm always doing something wrong. Whereas Ash doesn't. He likes me for who I am. And he listens to me, and I listen to him, and we like each other's music, and everything just feels so easy and natural around him. I'm not constantly worried about how I'm acting like with Sal nowadays. And honestly, even if Sal and I had ended up getting back together at the carnival that night, I still would have been afraid of doing something wrong that would make him leave me again. But with Ash, I can start fresh, and it's this totally amazing feeling.
So in the past like, 3 weeks, I have gone from:
Constantly crying uncontrollably->Constantly giggling uncontrollably
Checking my email for emails from Sal every 2 minutes->Talking to Ash for hours on end
Hanging out in a group with Sal being miserable->Watching Pokemon reruns with just Ash (yes, that is where i got the codename ;)) being happy
Being up late at night shaking with panic attacks, feeling like my heart was physically hurt->Being up late at night listening to songs Ash sent me and smiling until my face hurts
Wishing for something I can't have->Having something I would have never dared wish for.
So, I was right the first time when I said everything happens for a reason. And yeah, it's hard to believe that sometimes. But when you least expect it, magic can come down from the sky and make everything alright again. And although we aren't *officially* together yet, I'm so enjoying this anxious feeling. That feeling when you're just on the edge of a new crush and everything about him gives you butterflies and makes you smile and giggle...I feel like I'm 11 again!
And I wouldn't have it any other way. :)
"I believe in pink.
I belive laughing is the best calorie burner.
I believe in kissing; kissing a lot.
I belive in being strong when everthing else seems to be going wrong.
I believe that the happiest girls are the prettiest girls.
I believe that tomorrow is another day;
and i believe in miracles."
-Audrey Hepburn
Lots of songs today...
♪: "Catch Me" by Demi Lovato
♫: "Pretend" by Scott Porter and the Glory Dogs (Bandslam)
♪♫: "It's a Wonderful Life" by Bandits of the Acoustic Revolution
♫♫: "The Remedy" by Jason Mraz
♫♫♪: "Fall For You" by Secondhand Serenade
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Song for the Sitch
It's all I really have to say :). I wouldn't say "never", being honest, but still. I love the second verse :)
"Pretend" by Scott Porter and the Glory Dogs (Bandslam)
Say, won't you stay; we can talk about nothing at all
We'll sit here and make up the words as we go along
The games, we could play
Maybe silently write us a song
Quietly shout from the roof that we don't belong
They told me baby she's crazy a little like you
Everyone said you were nothing but trouble and
All that I know is that I've never been here before
And no I'll never leave, if it's alright with you
Dreaming of oceans while jumping in puddles and
All of my life I pretend you where there by the door
I don't need to pretend any more.
Strange, oh so strange
When it feels better being alone
You except there is nobody else and set it in stone
And then you, came along
Your reflection was so sad it's wrong
You made me believe once again that I could be wrong.
They told me baby she's crazy a little like you
Everyone said you were nothing but trouble and
All that I know is that I've never been here before...
And no I'll never leave, if it's alright with you
Dreaming of oceans while jumping in puddles and
All of my life I pretend you where there by the door
I don't need to pretend any more.
And it hurts, to know, there was somebody out there as strange and
As beautiful, as you
If I know, sooner
Maybe she's crazy a little like you
Everyone said you were nothing but trouble
All that I know is that I've never been here before
And no I'll never leave, if it's alright with you
Dreaming of oceans while jumping in puddles and
All of my life I pretend you where there by the door
I don't need to pretend any more.
I don't need to pretend anymore
I don't need to pretend anymore.
:) things are looking up.
(yes, that is a reference to paramores new amazing album ;))(but it's also true.)
"Pretend" by Scott Porter and the Glory Dogs (Bandslam)
Say, won't you stay; we can talk about nothing at all
We'll sit here and make up the words as we go along
The games, we could play
Maybe silently write us a song
Quietly shout from the roof that we don't belong
They told me baby she's crazy a little like you
Everyone said you were nothing but trouble and
All that I know is that I've never been here before
And no I'll never leave, if it's alright with you
Dreaming of oceans while jumping in puddles and
All of my life I pretend you where there by the door
I don't need to pretend any more.
Strange, oh so strange
When it feels better being alone
You except there is nobody else and set it in stone
And then you, came along
Your reflection was so sad it's wrong
You made me believe once again that I could be wrong.
They told me baby she's crazy a little like you
Everyone said you were nothing but trouble and
All that I know is that I've never been here before...
And no I'll never leave, if it's alright with you
Dreaming of oceans while jumping in puddles and
All of my life I pretend you where there by the door
I don't need to pretend any more.
And it hurts, to know, there was somebody out there as strange and
As beautiful, as you
If I know, sooner
Maybe she's crazy a little like you
Everyone said you were nothing but trouble
All that I know is that I've never been here before
And no I'll never leave, if it's alright with you
Dreaming of oceans while jumping in puddles and
All of my life I pretend you where there by the door
I don't need to pretend any more.
I don't need to pretend anymore
I don't need to pretend anymore.
:) things are looking up.
(yes, that is a reference to paramores new amazing album ;))(but it's also true.)
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