The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen who is apparently very flattered?

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery -Charles Caleb Colton 

Since I put my blog link on my Formspring and people have actually noticed it, I've noticed a lot of other people starting their own blogs. And I'll say this first: I have absolutely no problem with that, I know having a blog is a super fun thing to do!

But like...be original. A couple of the first girls I saw that started them had interesting ideas, and were just being honest about their feelings, and posted awesome pictures to their posts as well which I thought was pretty cool. I actually follow those ones because I think it's interesting to see how they actually think about things. But now more of my friends seemed to have jumped on the bandwagon just for the sake of it, copying ideas from each other and myself, and I just wanna put in my 2 cents about it.

I think it's great that people want to have their own blog. It's a really nice outlet to vent feelings and whatnot. But just writing 'I did this today. It was fun :)' for the sake of it gets really boring to read, really fast, especially when 10 other people are doing the same thing. I've tried to stay original by going with the "Axiomatic Musings of a Teen..." prompt, and I think having one thing to prompt you every time is definitely a good idea, just make sure it isn't the same as someone else's. Similarly, I've noticed a trend in dividing up paragraphs for every post like, "Me" "Family" "Friends" and stuff. Again, great idea. Just not if 10 other people are doing it. Find your own quirks to add to things, and make the blog your own. Listing your current playlist/songs that relate to the post at the bottom of each post is my thing; find your own way to incorporate music. It'll help you be more creative and help your blog be more interesting and unique.

Another thing is avoiding blandness and monotony. When you post, have a motivation and message. The point of a blog is to tell your readers something, not just blabber about day to day events--that's what a diary/Twitter is. When people are actually reading your blog, you should have a point.
That's actually why I don't always post frequently. I only post when I either need to vent about something (point being it gives you an insight into how I'm feeling/usually explains my FB status in case you're interested) or I have something I want to tell Teh Interwebz. Since Day 1 the point of this entire blog is to muse about random things I discover and learn as I go through my teenage years so you can see, 'oh, hey, I'm not the only one who thinks/feels that' or, 'that's an interesting point, but I think...' or even, 'hmm, I've never even considered that. maybe I will in future.' That way I have a motivation and message for each post, not just a place to record my daily events. Or at least, if i DO record my daily events just to keep you guys posted on what's going on, it's usually just a blurb at the beginning or end of a bigger post. That way it's kind of the best of both worlds :).
A recommendation though: if you find you started a blog to just talk about what goes on in your life, and you're having trouble keeping up with posts or what not, but you still want the record of what's going on in your life for future reference...get a calendar. Not for the traditional usage, though. I keep a calendar and every day at the END of the day, I record the day's events on those 5 little lines. It's just a short blurb where I use keywords to remind myself of events during the day. I find it's a lot less responsibility than a blog or diary, it keeps everything in one place, and it's actually really cool to look back on. The one I use is the "Note Nook 12-Pocket Calendar" by Avalanche Publishing. It's got pockets for each month too that I store stuff like notes or movie tickets in for more memorabilia. Just a thought :).

That's just my opinion and my advice to those of you who have started your own blogs. If i was your inspiration, I'm quite honored and hope these tips can help :).

Anyhoozle (this is my random update about how things are going ;)) today was good, I finally went to the mall  with my mom and got the bracelets that Ash gave me that I broke fixed professionally and they look great! :D. Then I tried practicing skateboarding...it went about as successfully as you would imagine, knowing me :P. Ash just finally called me too. I haven't called him once while he's been on vacation because I don't want to bother him and I'm actually doing pretty well with not missing him too much. It just seems that he calls me because he thinks he has to, because he never really has much to talk about despite the fact he's visiting awesome landmarks xD. Idk. I guess he's just busy :\. Hopefully when he goes to New York on his way home he'll have more fun :D.

Stay cool! (Because, if you're reading this, you're obviously cool, and literally; don't go outside when it's like 90 degrees xD)

♪: "Popular" by The Veronicas

The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen who might not hate girlfriends as much as I originally thought.

I spent the afternoon today at the Mall with Cissa. I've mentioned her before, she's one of my closest girlfriends now that Rayne and I barely talk.

And like...it was fun. Really, actually fun. I forgot I liked girls days out. 

I've mentioned before with people like Fred and Devon that I have a lot more guy friends than girl friends because I just seem to get along better with them. They're good listeners and not catty or bitchy and all that stuff. Cissa, Dana, Tawny, Chiki, this really sweet girl I worked on a lit project with this year (her codename will be Aimey), and one of my friends from like, 7th grade that I've been hanging out more with at Bright Lights (we'll call her Zee), are pretty much my only female friends left that I really like to be around. I have lots of other girls that I definitely love talking to and whatever, but you know what it's like how some people are more like school or party friends than friends you hang out with one-on-one? It's not that I don't like them, it's just a different kind of atmosphere, I guess.

Anyway the thing was, Ash is in DC this week on vacation so I wanted someone to hang out with. And I haven't gotten around to calling Chiki or Aimey yet, Dana has her own boyfriend so I figure she's busy, and Zee works during the week so I just hung out with Cissa. 

We looked at some cute stuff at Forever 21 and Charlotte Russe (which was good because now I know what to get for her birthday in a couple weeks xD), tried on some gorgeous but completely un-affordable dresses at Windsor, talked about her upcoming Sweet 16 and stuff that's been going on and it was just really really nice. I haven't been to the mall with a girlfriend in a while. I've gone with Ash a couple times but understandably he won't go into Bath and Body Works or Victoria's Secret with me and help me decide on body lotion scents xD. It was just a really relaxed afternoon. I haven't had an afternoon with someone other than Ash that I just feel at ease with that way for a WHILE. 

I guess my point here was just that you can't always write people off because you haven't hung out with them in a while. I mean I adore Cissa and the others but usually if I have the option I'd rather hang out with Ash. And maybe that'll still be the case xD. But it was a nice afternoon that just reminded me that I can have fun with other people, too. And I think that was good for me :). 

Sorry for the short-ish post, I have a couple other things I wanna write about eventually but for now i REALLY gotta practice my solo for Bright Lights. I'm playing/singing "Someone To Fall Back On", originally by Jason Robert Brown, my version is the one from the movie Bandslam ;). Super-good movie, btw, kind of chick-flicky but a good date movie all the same. So yeah, hope your summer is going well! :D

♪: "GNO" by Miley Cyrus (yes, i am that freakin' cool.)

♫: "Hey, Soul Sister" by Train (summer themesong? check.)

The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen who, if she wanted to believe pigs could fly, could probably convince herself of that, too.

I need somewhere to vent right now and even though this isn't an axiomatic musing, I don't know where else to go. I'm shaking and I feel like I'm going to throw up and Ash isn't answering his phone and I'm still shaking.

Maybe...maybe She-Voldemort is just a horrible, spiteful, lying, horribly deceitful bitch. Ash is just a victim of another one of her horrible ploys to break us up.
Or maybe...maybe I just really want to believe that...and I'd be willing to overlook anything else that would let me believe otherwise.

I'm so torn.

I don't want to assume the worst. I HAVE to trust him, I HAVE to. But this has happened so many times before...and each time it's because she "hacked his account" or "made it up" just for the purpose of getting me to freak out. Can I really keep believing that? If he's perfect in every other way?
We promised each other at the beginning of our relationship. Because he knew how much it sucked to get cheated on. We promised that if either of us ever even started having feelings for someone else, we'd tell each other first thing. Because each of us deserves that kind of honesty. He promised me that and I should trust him.
But what about everything else?
I can't give you guys details. I just can't. Because I know if i did, anyone reading this would go, "...And you BELIEVED that?! More than once?! How STUPID and desperate ARE you?!" And i know that. I do. That little voice in the back of my head has been screaming that at me. But at the same time...
He's so perfect in every other way. He's been so amazing especially lately. He's kind and funny and affectionate and loving and caring...why would I let anything ruin that? If i didn't know I could go on being happy and care-free and not have a problem at all.
But I did see it. Whether it's true or not I saw it, just like I saw it the other times, and now I have to wonder. If he's been telling me the truth, and this time is like the others where she's just made it up, he's going to start getting pissed that I don't believe him. But I just can't see her motives anymore! If she's just doing it to piss me off and break us up! There's no point anymore, she just graduated and has her own boyfriend (as far as I know, they're still together) so what's the point of making it up?

~OKAY, HE CALLED ME A LITTLE WHILE AGO AFTER I WROTE THE TOP PART AND NOW I AM WRITING THIS~

I emailed him the screenshot of what I saw and he when he finally called me back he was as pissed as I was. I was calm and explained how it isn't that I don't trust him, it's just that it's getting hard to believe. And before I could even finish my sentence he was saying how he knows, that's why he's so pissed off that she would keep doing this. He said he totally understands that I would be pissed, he would be too. He said he'll figure out some way to shut her down, so I guess we'll see. He also said that she broke up with her boyfriend really recently, so I there's a motive there that now she's single she might want Ash again...
I WANT to believe him, I do. But there's still that little niggling doubt at the back of my mind. What if he's still lying? What if he's just keeping up the charade? But then, what if he's telling the truth? There is no possible way for me to know except to trust him. So, I guess that's what I'll do for now. He had to leave for a haircut and doctor's appointment shortly after but I guess I'll talk to him later more and we'll see.

♪: "Be Good To Me" by Ashley Tisdale.

The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen who is only a bitch when she needs to be.

Ohhh, Formspring. It's gotten back to you again. *Siiiigh*

Far too many people in this world are irritating. I should know and accept this by now but for some reason I keep thinking I'll run into someone intelligent on the internet...no such luck xD.

Lately I've been getting questions that are more like comments. People seem to think I need to try and be single because I'm too dependent on Ash. Which I'm not, for the record, I've made sure of that since the break. I just happen to really like hanging out with him. Then when I try to tell people to mind their own beeswax I get called a bitch. Awesome. But that isn't the point. The point is that far too many people are idiots on Formspring. BUT from dealing with it myself and watching my friends do the same, I've kind of classified the questions into categories, and various ways to respond.


The Basic Formspring Question Asker Types
-The Creeper. Generally identified by their poor grammar and sleezy comments. Probably masturbates a few times a day because they've never had a girlfriend. Eg, "hey ur hot letz bang." "i wanna do u up the ass" "u hav nice titsss" etc.
-The Bitch. Clearly knows everything about you. They're the same type of people you've been dealing with since middle school but now they get to hide behind the anonymous button so it's easier for them. Usually tries to be cutesie by adding extra letters to words and backwards smiley faces. Eg, "can you stop putting up nasty-ass pictures of yourselfff? kthanxxx(:" "ur sooooo fat." "your such a whore/bitch/slut and everyone knows it(:" etc.
-The Compimenter. Rare, but it happens. Every so often they just pop up in your inbox to back you up when there's a Creeper or Bitch around or just to make your day :). Eg, 'you're really pretty!' 'where do you shop? i love your original style!' 'you're so fun to be around, keep smiling :)' etc.
-The Communicator. Because everyone loves how you clog up their 'following' stream with your weekend plans and chitchat that's better reserved for wallposts or texts. Eg, "heyy when are we hanging out again? how's tomorrow at 3?" "omg i'm gonna fail that test tomorrow!" "i like cheese." etc xD.
-The Actually Interesting Person. My favorite :). These are the ones you wait for. The ones that ask questions that give you a chance to tell an interesting story or divulge an interesting piece of information they may not have known. For a few minutes you're given complete permission to talk about yourself as much as you want :D. Eg, "what's your favorite type of music?" "what's your opinion on the BP oil spill?" "how did you and your boyfriend/girlfriend meet?" etc :).

I'm sure anyone that has their own Formspring knows what I mean. Some are more related to the girls (like The Creeper) although I can assure you that Ash has gotten quite a few questions like that in the past himself :P. But yeah, so once you get these bizarre questions, how do you respond? There are a few basic categories for that, too.

The Basic Formspring Question Responder Types
-The P.I. Watching this is actually one of my pet peeves because it's so incredibly pointless. These are the Private Investigators who ask for the person's identity. The point of them using the anonymous button is that they DON'T want you to know who they are. No one is going to actually be like, "I'm John Smith from your math class!" if you ask. The people asking the questions may be stupid, but they aren't that stupid xD. So honestly? Just don't bother.
-The Grammar Nazi. Okay, I'm just as much for correct grammar as the next guy. But when that's literally your only defense for any question you get? It makes you look stuck-up and pretty pathetic, too. When someone says, "ur a whore with herpies" and your only response is that they spelled 'you're' and 'herpes' wrong, it doesn't really help your case any xD. And after a point it DOES get pretentious. Combining it with some other answer isn't as bad, though.
-The All-Purpose Answer. Overused and ineffective at this point. "...Oh yeah? Well, uh...well you're the one harassing me through Formspring anonymously! So you're the coward! I'm still better than you! Nyeah!" Same effect as with the Grammar Nazi, it really doesn't help your case anyway and its just pathetic when you use it too much and it's your only defense.
-The Tank. My personal favorite. Out-logic and out-intelligence them.You're gonna shoot at me with your little water gun? Get ready for my big-ass tank, bitch, I'm running you into the ground.
-The Tentacool. Okay yes that was a Pokemon reference. I'll explain it for those reading this who have lives ;). Tentacool can have the ability "Clear Body" which prevents any stat reductions during battle. Eg, if a Pokemon uses Growl to lower the Tentacool's attack stat, the Tentacool won't actually be affected at all and will attack normally with its normal attack power. Some people do this with Formspring. They can be asked obscene, rude questions and just answer them with the utmost unaffected confidence. I kind of wish I could do this. Like, "I honestly met you once, but i want to slap my face with your titties and cum all over your ears." Disgusting, right? The girl answered: "wonderful. where'd we meet? if you don't wanna say that's fine" like I would have flipped or something, but she just kept her cool. There are other ways to do that too, just kind of go along with whatever they're saying in a joking manner. I just really admire that kind of confidence to not let stuff get to you.

So that's kind of Formspring in a nutshell for those of you smart enough to not already have one xD. I keep mine because of the Complimenters and Actual Interesting People. It's something to do when you're bored at home doing summer and are putting off that AP Lit reading, anyway ;). So feel free to ask me anything :)

And remember! This is one of my all-time favorite quotes!
"Madness is genius,
Imperfection is beauty,
And it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.
And when it comes down to it; let them think what they want.
If they care enough to bother with what I do, I'm already better than them." 
-Marilyn Monroe <3


♪: "Cuz I'm Awesome" by the Dollyrots  ("I don't need you; cuz I'm neato!" :D)

The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen who really missed this "sleep" thing.

Summer. Rocks. I will get more into that in a second ;). But first just random stuffles...

I've been getting comments about posts on my Formspring. And as much as I love that little (1) in my inbox, I do just wanna let you guys know there's a comment section for each post if you didn't notice already; you click "musings in reply" under the post title. And I've set it so you CAN still be anonymous there. Just for the record :).

I have a bunch of post topics I've been meaning to do but seeings as summer just started (WOO!) I'm going to list a few of my favorite summer essentials that I'd recommend to anyone for surviving this awesome yet dangerous season xD.

-Sunblock. My mom is so paranoid she buys SPF 75. She says I have to be super careful because we have a family history of skin cancer on her side...even though her side of the family lives in Australia...where there's no ozone layer...BUT ANYHOOZLE I really do not enjoy sunburn so I'm always pretty good about using the stuff. Get the spray bottles too, those are a lot more convenient so you don't have to pause your volleyball game for 10 minutes while you rub in all the white sludge.
-Pure Aloe Vera Gel. This stuff is the shit. Like legit it has SO many uses and is SO good for your skin you really can't go wrong. I could honestly muse for hours about how much you can use it for but if you're curious you can Google it on your own :). If you don't have your own aloe plant (or you almost killed it at the beginning of the season and are currently letting it recover...*awkward cough*...) get just pure aloe gel from "Fruit of the Earth" from Stop and Shop, don't get the stuff with any more chemicals than there needs to be. Now, awesome uses for aloe:
--Burns. Whether you fall asleep in the sun, your marshmallow roasting stick is too short, or you could have sworn that sparkler had already cooled off, you're probably going to get burned at some point in the next couple months. And when you do, there is nothing better than aloe. It's cooling and soothing and on the few occasions I get sunburned, I only stay sunburned for a few days tops, because lathering that stuff on before bed gets rid of redness SO quickly with very minimal peeling (unless it was a worse burn to begin with). It works well for heat burns too, you've probably used it at some point for that.
--Any kind of skin owchie. Freshly shaved legs+ocean water=STINGGG. But if you have aloe in your beach bag it helps SO much. It also worked when I got stung by a jellyfish once :D. It's just really soothing on any kind of irritated skin from rugburn to anything else you can think of. There's really nothing it DOESN'T help with.
--Bites and Blemishes. It's cooling on itchy bugbites and has 6 natural antiseptics in it that can help clear acne :).
-Mosquito Repellent/Anti-Itch Stuff. I am such a magnet for bugs you can't even imagine. Since I was a kid I used to get eaten alive out there, especially because I basically live in the woods. If you've ever seen me and been like, "Ew, she has so many gross dotty scars on her legs and arms" it's because when i was a kid i couldn't go outside without getting attacked and back then i was more concerned about scratching the itchies into oblivion than giving myself unsightly scars xP. And this year apparently is one of the worst they've seen for mosquito breeding cuz the weather got so warm so fast. AWESOME! xP. So yeah just buy all the citronella you can. I personally like Benadryl's heavy-duty anti-itch spray, it works pretty well when Off! doesn't. Like last night at Devon's pool party when I got 5 bites, 3 on my forehead. MY FREAKING FOREHEAD. xP.
-Awesome Sunglasses and Hats. I have at least 6 different pairs and they're so much fun, and I'm definitely gonna have to start wearing my Mraz-style pink fedora more frequently :D.
-ICE. Always awesome for cooling off drinks and reducing bruises from that crazy game of tackle football (I ripped a kids shirt!! :D). They have such awesome icecube trays now too, I recently heard about "Fossiliced" which makes dinosaur fossil-shaped cubes. DEFINITELY on my want list :D.

So yeah! Life is going great! The weather is warm, my boyfriend is hot, and it is time to chilllll :). I'll try to be more timely with these posts, too ;).

♪: "Hey, Soul Sister" by Train
♫: "I Gotta Feeling" by Black Eyes Peas
♪♫: "I Gotchoo" by Bowling for Soup
Anyone else got a good summer playlist going? I'm always up for suggestions!

The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen with fans?!

A girl in my math class today mentioned that she liked my blog, and so did a bunch of her friends. I'll admit I was pretty surprised to hear that xD. I mean I knew a few of my friends read this just to keep up with me when we were too busy to talk frequently...but like other people? Sweet! :D. Hi everyone!! I hope you're all having a nice day!!

It's kind of a strange thing to think about, honestly. When I started this almost a year ago the idea was to state my thoughts and feelings as they relate to what goes on in my life, in hopes that other people would go, 'OMG ME TOO!' and see that more people think like you than you may have assumed. I just didn't think it would work xD.
What I'm honestly curious about is if anyone's opinion of me has changed for the better or worse after getting to know me this much more by reading this, even if we aren't close friensd. That would be kind of nice too. Maybe someone who just assumed I was the perpetually happy, confident, outgoing girl sees me as a little more real. Maybe someone that was jealous that it seemed I had a perfect relationship is more understanding. Maybe no one's opinion changed and you're still reading this laughing at me ;). I don't know.
But, if you find my musings interesting enough to continue reading, I'm quite flattered :). If you don't, then give me some feedback so i CAN be more interesting xD.

In other news, people on Formspring are really starting to piss me off. I mean I mentioned in that previous post that I realize now people are jealous of Ash and me but like I didn't realize people hated me so much for it! Ugh. But in the words of a supercool kid in last year's Bio class; stupid freshmen ;).

Anyway just wanted to reflect on all that. I really need to go work on my APUSH final presentation now :P. But if you were reading this to procrastinate from your finals too, and you're a little stressed about some of them, this video always makes me giggle like a 4 year old and makes a tough day of studying a little better and more adorable :). Good luck on your exams!!



♪: "Falling Over Me" by Demi Lovato
♫: "The Bird And The Worm" by Owl City (NOT The Used's version. They are very different xD.)

The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen who has no idea how the hell you people keep up with her axiomatic musings.

So now Ash and I are back on! Yay!

He changed his mind, apparently. Just as I was getting over him, naturally ;). But whatever, I'm just glad things are back to normal. I mean I definitely could have been happy without dating him, I had really started coming to terms with being single, but he really does make me happy. He agreed to be more affectionate like I've been asking for him the past like, month, and I still agreed to be less irritable. Wish us luck!

It isn't like things don't irritate me though. Lately a lot of stuff has; but I'm only going to touch on one part of that.

3OH!3 was right. Don't trust a ho'. Just don't.

See, I knew this. Apparently not everyone did. But there are girls in this world desperate and cruel enough to not just want things, but to want you to not have them. Ash knows one such girl who I shall codename Regina because she reminds me of the bitch from Mean Girls (such a good movie, just fyi :D).
I never really liked Regina much, because I've been saying since the start that she very blatantly flirts with Ash even though she has a boyfriend. She has a very...questionable reputation when it comes to boys so I never trusted her. I can tell things about people. And no matter how much Ash insisted they were just friends, she only liked him as that, I still told him it bothered me that she was so obviously flirting.

Well I was right. Yesterday we found out that both Regina, and Regina and Ash's other friend, Cady (just continuing the Mean Girls references here :)) liked Ash. And while we were broken up (all 6 days...) they were hoping they had a chance. But the thing was, that Cady liked Ash first. I mean as much as it did bother me that she was just as much of a flirt even when we were going out, I can't blame her; he IS an awesome guy. So yeah, Cady liked Ash, Regina found out, and Regina has a habit of whenever Cady likes a guy, Regina makes sure she gets him first with her aforementioned questionable reputation. So then both of them liked him, and then were both suddenly crushed when Ash got back with ME. Oy, how's that for a love polygon?

Bottom line is Regina's a ho, Cady is crushed but kind of the victim here, and Ash felt like a total dick for leading them both on because he thought they were both just his friends.

THIS IS WHY YOU NEED TO LISTEN TO GIRLS. WE KNOW THESE THINGS AND ARE USUALLY RIGHT.

It would be awesome to think that everyone you know is trustworthy, honest, and exactly who you think they are. But that just. isn't. the case. People have ulterior motives 90% of the time, even if they don't realize. When you ask that smart kid what he got on the quiz, do you really care what his final grade is going to be? Or are you hoping you'll be able to say you did better? When you tell your mom she looks nice, do you really mean it all the time, or sometimes are you secretly hoping to butter her up to allow you to have that party? You do it without even noticing or meaning to sometimes. But I've just been too let down by people in the past, or maybe it's just my personality, that I am constantly checking for what people REALLY mean. I find it naive to take people at face value; you just can't trust everyone. Luckily Ash isn't someone I really need to worry about because we've already established he's a terrible liar and doesn't make connections between events well. But regardless, not everyone is like that. It's just a lesson to think about. I'm not saying be paranoid about everyone you meet; just be aware. Then maybe you can avoid misinterpretations of signs like this.

Anyway now that the drama with Ash seems to have settled down, I'll try and get more actual musings up. For those of you still concerned with my personal life (although goodness knows why you'd bother xD), I usually keep my DeviantArt journal pretty up-to-date. My username is DirectorDiva :).

Have a lovely day, everyone! Summer is just around the corner :).

♪: "Here We Go Again" by Demi Lovato
♫: "Don't Trust Me" by 3OH!3

The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen with a broken heart...

So my life isn't wonderful anymore. Ash and I broke up last night after a week of stress and tension. Maybe I'll do a more in-depth post later, I'm really not comfortable talking about it. It makes me miserable to think about it; usually if i just keep my mind off of it i can deal okay though.

For a more accurate description, this is the note i typed on my iPod around 11:30 last night after tossing around crying for a couple hours. I do these "Thoughts." notes on my iPod when I need to organize my mind.

Thoughts.
I'm going to scream. 
And cry and puke and yell and kick and squeeze. My entire body is just convulsing with sobs, i feel like I'm going to die. 


I am alone. Once more, I am alone. I'm not good at that. 


He just lost the spark. He loves me, but there's no more spark. And it is not fair to keep the relationship going without it. 
I will mis him so terribly. Every time i will reach for my necklace, or wait for a kiss before class, or need a hug at the end of the day, I will feel myself hollow out more and more. Soon there will be nothing left but an empty shell. 
I just need someone to love me. I had someone. But he lost the spark and didn't want to look for it so now it's gone. And now i do not have that. 
I want to disappear. I want to just melt into the mattress. Mattresses don't feel this much pain. This much gut-wrenching, soul-destroying physical pain. 
We love each other. Why did this have to happen??? I had everything I ever dreamed of, the best I could ever imagine...but he lost the spark. And now I don't have it.
I wish he'll find it. And bring the spark to school tomorrow and make everything okay.
But that won't happen. Maybe I'll draw him one.
I keep lying to myself...he isn't going to change his mind. This is for the best. All of the stress of the last weeks are over. 
But so is the kissing. And hugging. And snuggling. 
Oh god I'm going to miss the snuggling.


The last two weeks of school are the most brutal. And all I need is someone to cuddle me and get me through them. But there is not anyone now.
I can't think of what else to write. I'll make more notes as I think of them. Right now I need to go cry. 

And I think that sums it up pretty well. We're trying to be friends, and I like that...but I know deep down its just because I can keep pretending nothing changed. I don't know. Maybe you guys know; I've told you just about everything since we've been going out. I just need someone to tell me everything is going to be okay.
And I'm sorry, Ash. Because you'll end up reading this at some point and you probably feel horrible. I didn't mean to make you feel horrible, I just need to get my feelings out somewhere. Maybe I'll get lucky and you'll never read this. Doubting it; my luck hasn't been too great recently...

Goodnight, world. I'll keep ya posted as usual.

♪: "Stop the World" by Demi Lovato
♫: You know what? The entire "Here We Go Again" album by Demi Lovato. Because each song describes what our relationship was in some way at some point.