The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen with a broken heart...

So my life isn't wonderful anymore. Ash and I broke up last night after a week of stress and tension. Maybe I'll do a more in-depth post later, I'm really not comfortable talking about it. It makes me miserable to think about it; usually if i just keep my mind off of it i can deal okay though.

For a more accurate description, this is the note i typed on my iPod around 11:30 last night after tossing around crying for a couple hours. I do these "Thoughts." notes on my iPod when I need to organize my mind.

Thoughts.
I'm going to scream. 
And cry and puke and yell and kick and squeeze. My entire body is just convulsing with sobs, i feel like I'm going to die. 


I am alone. Once more, I am alone. I'm not good at that. 


He just lost the spark. He loves me, but there's no more spark. And it is not fair to keep the relationship going without it. 
I will mis him so terribly. Every time i will reach for my necklace, or wait for a kiss before class, or need a hug at the end of the day, I will feel myself hollow out more and more. Soon there will be nothing left but an empty shell. 
I just need someone to love me. I had someone. But he lost the spark and didn't want to look for it so now it's gone. And now i do not have that. 
I want to disappear. I want to just melt into the mattress. Mattresses don't feel this much pain. This much gut-wrenching, soul-destroying physical pain. 
We love each other. Why did this have to happen??? I had everything I ever dreamed of, the best I could ever imagine...but he lost the spark. And now I don't have it.
I wish he'll find it. And bring the spark to school tomorrow and make everything okay.
But that won't happen. Maybe I'll draw him one.
I keep lying to myself...he isn't going to change his mind. This is for the best. All of the stress of the last weeks are over. 
But so is the kissing. And hugging. And snuggling. 
Oh god I'm going to miss the snuggling.


The last two weeks of school are the most brutal. And all I need is someone to cuddle me and get me through them. But there is not anyone now.
I can't think of what else to write. I'll make more notes as I think of them. Right now I need to go cry. 

And I think that sums it up pretty well. We're trying to be friends, and I like that...but I know deep down its just because I can keep pretending nothing changed. I don't know. Maybe you guys know; I've told you just about everything since we've been going out. I just need someone to tell me everything is going to be okay.
And I'm sorry, Ash. Because you'll end up reading this at some point and you probably feel horrible. I didn't mean to make you feel horrible, I just need to get my feelings out somewhere. Maybe I'll get lucky and you'll never read this. Doubting it; my luck hasn't been too great recently...

Goodnight, world. I'll keep ya posted as usual.

♪: "Stop the World" by Demi Lovato
♫: You know what? The entire "Here We Go Again" album by Demi Lovato. Because each song describes what our relationship was in some way at some point.