The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen who controls that which she manifests.

I think the quote is actually, "That which you manifest is before you." But it means that. Anyway. I'm no good at parties.

Other people like people. And parties, and gossip, and all the consequent shenanigans. I think I do...or I used to? All I know is now I just don't.

Cissa was right. I don't know how to open up to anyone besides my current boyfriend. I need friends, but I just don't have them. And I can't make them because I just don't like talking and opening up to people, I don't know how. I'm still afraid to trust new people and I can't even explain how I feel to Sal sometimes, let alone anyone new.

Today I went to a little get-together at Dana's house. Sal, Fred, and Jack were at a Friday Night Magic tournament so I thought it would be nice to hang out with some girlfriends. It was a good party, a nice crowd and a fun time watching a marathon of a TV show we all like. But I just couldn't get into it. I felt awkward and not funny and like, annoyed. They were all having fun and chatting like people should be doing at a party but I just wanted to curl up on the couch and watch the show. So I just kinda sat there like an awkward log staring at the show until I gave up. It's not because I didn't like the crowd, they were all great. I just feel like I can't connect to them, to anyone really besides Sal. So I left.

I started driving out around 10pm but I didn't want to go home. I couldn't overcome the horrible feeling of emptiness and loneliness in my car in the dark. Keith lives near Dana and I started seriously considering driving to his house just to have company for a few minutes, just someone I felt comfortable around that I could converse with. Just for a minute, just to prove that I could. I kept driving and as I passed the street that led to Devon's house, I considered stopping there too. Then for a minute I genuinely thought about driving to Ash's house. Seriously. I just needed someone--literally anyone--to make me feel like I had a real friend. Not just the friendly girls at the party or the nice people that smile and say hi to me in the hallway; someone I have a real bond with. Just a friend.

Between my manners and pride I decided against dropping in anywhere. I kept driving home until I felt like I was going to cry, so I pulled over to the side of the road and pinched myself until I stopped. I don't like crying. I hate showing weakness, I hate whining and emotions. Once I regained control and resolved to give up finding someone to talk to, I headed straight home to talk to my imaginary friends--you, the lovely readers of this blog. So hey.

Sal is amazing, he really is, and I'm lucky to have him for a boyfriend because he makes me feel very loved. But what's the use in that if as soon as he leaves me alone for a couple hours, I get consumed by this black hole of loneliness?

What makes it worse is how I deal with it. I feel ridiculous and pathetic when I keep trying to break into conversations and be friendly so I give up and rather than pull, I push. If I'm standoffish and aloof then I'm making people want to not talk to me. I can justify that that's why I'm staying secluded; because no one wants to talk to me anyways. That which I manifest is before me; If I create the situation, I'm in control of it. Of course this frustrates Sal, he gets all hurt when I shut down from people and gives me this horribly pained look which just makes me want to crawl even further into a dark hole. It's because I don't like showing those kinds of emotions in my expressions that he doesn't realize how much it really hurts me to open up and let down my guard at all. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy, I guess. I feel like I can't connect to anyone so I feel lonely and shut down which makes it harder for me to open up and connect with anyone and so on.

And of course my mom is anything but helping tonight. She's going off about how she's failed me as a mother because I don't open up to her [either]. The fight started because she brought up a mistake that I had made in the past in a really underhandedly cutting way and I got really offended. Then it got into the usual of how she can't trust me because I never tell her anything and how she's a bad mother because I don't feel like I can tell her anything. She's come into my room three times while I've been writing this post. Like seriously that is the last thing I need right now. GAH.

I just need a few good friends. A few good friends I can talk to about my day and how I'm feeling and vice versa, friends that I won't get annoyed with and who won't get annoyed with me. That's all I want. Sometimes I want to be left alone, but under no circumstances to I ever want to be alone.

Wow this entire post was pathetic and whiny. I'm terribly sorry, dear readers. I'll get out a decent post soon but I'm going to bed now. Goodnight darlings, I hope your night was better than mine.

*: Most of the You By Me album by Toh Kay and Dan Potthast
**: Anything from Streetlight Lullabies