The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen who still feels alone in crowded rooms.

I can't seem to shake this.

I just don't know why I'm not good at having friends. I just prefer being a loner, i guess. I mean it's not that I don't have friends, I do. They're very nice. But when I'm with them i just feel isolated so I tend to isolate myself further. I just feel like when I'm with them, I'm acting, pretending, being the friend they want me to be. I can't seem to let myself be real with anyone like I am with Ash or Devon. I just feel like something inside me just retreats and all that's left is this shallow shell of a generic teenager with friends. I don't know how to change that, either. It feels like only half of me is there, I just don't know what to do. It's really only been this way since Rayne and Sal. I'm probably creating this situation in my head, but it feels like I've been replaced and now I'm just kind of on the outskirts, hanging onto something I don't really have the rights to anymore. I feel like when Sal and I were dating, I was in because I was his girlfriend. Now I just am not 100% sure that I still deserve those friends even though I'm not with him anymore. I'm sure they'd say that they're still my friends but I still don't want to be impeding if I don't really have a place anymore. Keith is a sweetheart at least, he does his best to include me when he can, as does Fred. But still.

I'm more used to being a girlfriend than being a friend, I guess. Which is okay, I think? I mean I should just spend more time with my friends. But frankly I don't like to, because I feel strange and have no motivation to, so I'd rather hang with Ash, which puts me further out of the friend loop... vicious circle. Ugh.

This "teenager" business is getting increasingly confusing. Bleh xP.

♪: "They Provide the Paint [for the picture-perfect masterpiece that you will paint on the inside of your eyelids]" by Streetlight Manifesto
♫: "Just" by Streetlight Manifesto