The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen who is very disappointed in herself for being this self-pitying.

But we can't all be confident all the time.

I think I'm actually jealous. I mean yeah, I've always been a little high-maintenance, a little bitchy. But jealous? That I'm finding hard to believe.
But recently every time another girl I'm not familiar with writes on his wall with a little (: and every time he 'likes' another girls profile picture and every time i see he's been on Facebook or Formspring but isn't IMing me like he usually does...I just get upset. Or lately he's been becoming better friends with my 'best friend' than I ever was...I don't know what to do. I start wondering if he's losing interest in me, what else he's doing, why i'm even upset in the first place...But i don't know what else to think.

I'm trying to figure out what leads to this jealousy. I've narrowed it down to:

1. Lack of Trust. But that isn't my situation, I trust that he loves me and would never cheat on me. We've agreed upon this before. He knows what it's like to be cheated on and would never put me through that. So that isn't it.
2. Lack of Personal Confidence. Since a minor issue in the beginning of the week, I'm just not confident enough in myself anymore to be confident I can actually keep a guy interested this long. I keep trying to take a prettier Facebook profile picture because one of his other [girl] friends is so pretty. Nothing yet but I'll keep trying when I wipe the mascara streaks off my cheeks. I start wondering why he's even with me in the first place, and thinking that it's pure luck he's with me anyway so why WOULDN'T he find some other girl? He's so gorgeous. And popular, too, whether he thinks so or not. I just love him and think he's so goddamn attractive in every way I figure that other girls must think the same way, so why doesn't he pick one of them? I start criticising myself. I'm too violent, I'm too embarrassing...now every time he pokes fun at me like he usually does, instead of taking it as a joke, I almost take it personally now because I wonder if THAT'S the thing that'll change his mind. I just can't tell. And I hate myself for thinking that, because confidence is attractive. Lack of confidence, this constant insecurity, is not. I used to be SO confident. I don't know what changed. But the more it happens, the more unattractive i am, and the more confidence I lose...This is not a fun cycle.
3. Need for Attention. Now see, this was never a problem before. He used to IM me as soon as I got home from school, when I woke up in the morning on a weekend, when I got back from rehearsal. He'd leave me adorable inboxes, write me cute notes, put his arm around me any chance he got...and now he just doesn't as much anymore. I don't understand why. Sure, part of it is just that he's been exhausted lately. I get that, obviously. God, I'm not that much of a bitch. It's just that he's too exhausted to talk to me...and yet has plenty of energy to be on Facebook or Formspring talking to someone else. That's when I get confused and upset. I used to be so happy because he'd always make me feel so special, like a princess, the most important part of his life. And now...it just doesn't seem that way. And if we're getting to the point where it's becoming less about being all over each other and more of just a relaxed best-friend-with-kissing type of relationship, okay, I don't mind that either. Long-term relationships get to that point and it isn't BAD, it's just different. I just want to know if that's what it is or not, because I'm still madly infatuated with him. I'm not angry that he isn't as affectionate anymore or anything like that. I guess you can't expect a guy to keep that up for more than 7 months. I just wish I knew what the reason for the change was. Because if I don't, then I start theorizing myself (see #2).

I've been trying so hard lately to be a good girlfriend. I hold in my comments when I could be getting angry and I vent to you, dear internet, instead of him so i can calm down before I talk to him and therefore don't sound like I'm angry and blaming him when we do talk. I think of cute things to tell him to keep him in a good mood and I leave him 'good morning!' wall posts. It just seems like he barely recognizes or reciprocates that anymore, but he gets upset when I crack under pressure and do something wrong. I don't know what to think or do.

I need to talk to him. I need to know how he feels about everything just so I know how to react. Once I know, I can stop worrying. It's the confusion that's killing me. But oh, look at that, he's not online. Just poked me on Facebook though. Not online there either. I might try calling him.

I need sleep really badly too, and I'm in a horrible mood from B1 day. More about that on my dA, i don't feel like reiterating here. That probably isn't helping this either...I'm so disappointed in myself. And I'm so tired of blaming myself...But I've been trying so hard not to get easily upset anymore. But I'm not upset. Not yet. I just need to know what's going on, then I'll decide how I feel. That's all. I hope he still thinks i'm worth this stuff that goes through my mind. I really hope so.


♪: "Who's That Girl?" by Hilary Duff
♫: "World of Chances" by Demi Lovato
♪♫: "Solo" by Demi Lovato