The Axiomatic Musings of a Teen who's gonna make it through this post without crying.

Senior show reflection. Sigh.

Last night was the last time I'll be part of a Cheshire High School musical production. The last dance break, the last cheesy pose, the last obnoxious "ye gods!" It's still barely hit me. I think the worst was just after we finished Shipoopi last night. I got off stage and immediately burst into tears when I realized it was done. Done, over, finished. But for the sake of my makeup I managed to contain most of it and make it through the rest of the show and most of the cast party.

AND THEN FRICKIN CJ HAD TO GO AND BE TOO FRICKIN NICE AND CRYING AND GAHHH.

Sorry, I think I'm in the anger stage of grief. Last night when people were being all teary-eyed and loving I kept screaming at them. Out of love, of course, but I still felt bad :P. It's just easier to be angry at everyone than to admit how much I'll miss them.

That's the weirdest part, I think. I'll miss them.

I kind of touched on this when I gave my ribbon this year, but I've never really felt that at-home with the drama department. Everyone always talked about it like it was this big happy family. I felt like if it was, then I was the one awkward step-kid who everyone smiles at but avoids talking to. I sat across the aisle from where most of the cast sat during notes, I sat alone to put on make-up and everything, and as much as I was friendly and didn't have anything against anyone in the cast, I kept to myself. I always felt a little detached, distanced: alone on a crowded stage. But last year, and especially this year, I finally started feeling like I belonged. Just in time for me to leave, naturally. Especially with someone like CJ, because I only got to know him for a year. As soon as he got to the high school, I got ready to leave it. He was one of those rare people that you don't have to know very well at all to know that you click with them. He and his girlfriend remind me a lot of myself and Sal when we were freshmen, although I hope whatever happens with them in the long-run is easier of a ride than what Sal and I had ;). And of course Dave. That's a story.

I pretty much despised Dave when we were paired as partners for the musical. He had let us down with the One Acts set, I found him really annoying to direct because he gets very defensive when given acting notes, and we just didn't get along. If he thought the same or worse things about me I wouldn't be surprised. But once rehearsals started, we never showed it once. We valued our roles and we knew our characters couldn't work unless we let down our guards and trusted each other. So, that's exactly what we did. I sucked up my pride and irritability, let go of the grudges, and moved on for the sake of Zaneeta. And ye gods, I am so glad I did! :D. We became excellent dance partners, daredevil stunt performers, and even maybe friends :). We'd chat backstage, psyche each other up for our dances, and I really came to appreciate him as a person; no matter how much I cursed Dusk for pairing us up at first, I realize now it was all for the best. And I think that means we grew up a little.

Ironically, this week I've also tried the exact same approach with Cissa. I figure that rather than ignoring each other, we can at least acknowledge each other as human beings, so I've tried to treat her the same way I would any member of the cast that I may not necessarily be friends with, but who i don't hate. She isn't having it, and is apparently mad that I'm acting like nothing ever happened.

Meh. I'm becoming more and more convinced that I was so right in having more guy friends than girl ones.

I could keep rambling on about nearly every member of the cast but I'm exhausted from the cast sleepover and I need to go nap. There's just one more I have to mention.

I don't know how or why this is happening suddenly now, but my friends are actually starting to like me. Yes, me. Not Sal's girlfriend, not that girl who makes good food, but me. Last night, Mickey pulled me aside and said he had something to say that he was originally going to save for closer to graduation but didn't want to wait any longer for. He said a lot of really nice things that I won't reiterate here for privacy's sake, but basically it came down to him saying that now, he really considers me one of his friends. On our own terms, not because I'm dating Sal or anything else. And he might understand a little because he's apparently found this blog, but I don't think he could possibly have known what that meant to me. I...I can't even explain how it felt. Among my awkward comments and not-funny jokes, I must have done something right. I could have danced around the room but I didn't want to push it xD. All in all, it was an amazing addition to an already incredible night. Senior year really does awesome things to people.

Alrighty, well on that somewhat inspirational note, I really need to go rest. Thank you so much to everyone in the musical for such an amazing experience. I know how cliche that sounds but honestly I couldn't put these emotions into words anyway. All I can say is see you all at Halos :) <3

*: "Goodnight, My Someone" from The Music Man
**: "Shipoopi!" from The Music man